you all know my background, family, friends, and a lot
of intimate details of my early life, I will now concentrate
more on my stripping for God, with anecdotes of people
I met and clubs I suffered at. The first will be the Playboy
Club, where I spent three eventful months: January, February,
March, and a few days in April 1978. You must understand
that when I went to the Playboy Club I had just returned
to dancing six months after about a three year absence
doing community work. I was very anxious about my career,
establishing my name and fame, credibility, making good
money, being successful both in dancing and in missionary
work. I started back to dancing in July 1977, a trial
job, sort of, in Puerto Rico for two week s. I took a
vacation from work in order to start, not even sure if
I wanted to quit my job and start dancing again. I was
not in perfect shape. My hair was bleached blonde from
1976 and breaking off so I had it cut real short, and
I did not have my dancing legs yet. I was very nervous
and uptight about everything, constantly worrying and
fearing I would be a failure. I kept a pretty good diary
in Puerto Rico and will go into it later, after the Playboy
encounter, which is more important. When I returned from
Puerto Rico I did quit my community job and worked in
New York at the Melody Theater and Philadelphia. I cannot
recall offhand any other jobs - I never have been a steady
worker in stripteasing. That's the way this business is.
Actually I was desperate for work. My sister Zowie read
an ad in the paper which indicated that Minsky's Burlesque
was in town at the Playboy Club in New York. She suggested
that I contact them. I did and got a letter from Jerry
Lucas in Las Vegas, who was the main manager of the show.
The old Minsky was then sick and would die soon. I called
Jerry Lucas and they really wanted me for the show. I
discovered that they were having problems finding a star.
In fact, when I went to see the show in New York they
didn't even have a striptease star. One of the dancers
in the show doubled as the stripteaser, and that doesn't
make it. I can understand why they had trouble because
of the prices they were paying. The salary he offered
me was rock bottom money. I protested and he explained
that room and board came with the salary and it was for
three straight months. I thought it over and decided to
take it. I had a premonition that I had to go to Chicago.
the meantime, for about a week I was having dreams about
Mr. Scott. Who was Mr. Scott? A millionaire businessman
I used to date in Hollywood when I was real young. Why
on earth was I having dreams about him? I never even thought
about him for years. The Light said to me, "Contact
him." So I wrote him a letter, and sent him some
of my clippings and new photos. Within a few days I got
a telephone call from him. It just so happens that he
was coming to Chicago on business at EXACTLY THE SAME
TIME I WAS OPENING - THE VERY SAME DAY, and he would love
to see me.
was all I needed. My stress factor went up to about a
ninety-nine out of a possible hundred. Along with worrying
about opening in a new show in a new city, I now had to
worry about seeing Mr. Scott. Why worry? It's kind of
tricky to explain.
When I was real young working in Hollywood and surrounding
areas as a dancer I was, of course, very beautiful. But
inside my head my self-image wasn't beautiful. I didn't
know that at the time, honestly; I REALLY THOUGHT THERE
WAS A LOT WRONG WITH ME. Looking back I understand THERE
WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, only the pain, frustration
and bitterness of how I was treated at home. This was
all still in my head like a terrible sickness waiting
to be healed. People who looked at me from the outside
only saw a young, voluptuous woman. They had no idea what
I was suffering inside. I had internalized the image of
worthlessness Mother & Co. had projected on me for
eight years. That was when I met Mr. Scott. Mr. Scott
wasn't only rich. He was debonair, suave, charming, gracious,
knew a lot of movie stars and other millionaires and hung
out with them, had exquisite taste in clothing, decorating,
houses, etc. He was the perfect man externally speaking,
and he was a bachelor living the free, swinging life.
was "sort of" a nothing in the eyes of the world,
status wise, but what was worse as far as these types
of relationships go; I was a "total" nothing
in my own eyes. I had only one thing that I knew for sure
was valuable, and that was my body. Every man who wasn't
gay wanted my body. Even some gay men wanted my body.
so, in my relationship with Mr. Scott I felt that the
least I could do was lend him my body, in exchange for
his friendship. And even when I was giving him my body
I definitely felt like he was doing me a favor by being
with me, that I was very lucky. That was the way I thought
about myself. It was like Cinderella with Prince Charming.
those days with Prince Charming a lot of water had gone
under the bridge. I was much older and in the interim
had grown in experience and worldly wisdom (at least a
little bit), but most of all, I had been saved, Christ
had entered my soul and I had grown. What did this do
to me? Did I now feel worthy and great? No. I still knew
I was nothing, more than ever, only God was great, but
"my soul doth magnify the Lord." Whatever confidence
I had in myself was my confidence in God, not in my own
personal self. But I could recall how I felt in the old
days and this confrontation, both mental and physical,
with Mr. Scott brought back old memories. Now everything
makes sense, but then, I did not understand what I am
saying now. My imagination was going crazy. Here is the
monkey wrench that was wrecking my reasoning powers:
was the LIGHT that inspired me to contact Mr. Scott. Why?
There had to be a good, legitimate reason. I surmised
wrongly, that the Light wanted Mr. Scott and I to be MARRIED!
Yes, he was married to someone else, but maybe they were
on the verge of breakup or something. Why else would God
want me to contact him and see him? I did not imagine
then, the truth, in a million years, that GOD WANTED ME
TO CONTACT MR. SCOTT SO MR. SCOTT COULD HURT ME SO BADLY
THAT I WOULD NEED SUPERNATURAL AID TO CONTINUE LIVING!
THIS WAS A GREAT GRACE BECAUSE WITHOUT SUCH PAIN ENTRENCHING
GREAT FURROWS IN MY SOUL, CHRIST WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO PENETRATE MY BEING SO ABSOLUTELY. My dreams that I
was having the week or so before the meeting, all indicated
this truth but I, of course, did not understand the dreams
until later. Dreams often do not make sense until after
the thing happens, and then you look back and understand
the symbols. In one of my dreams, for instance, Mr. Scott
was happily throwing a spear at me real gleeful, and I
didn't know this spear was to wound me so that there would
be an opening for God's light to reach me.
vision of marrying Mr. Scott was doing wonders to my imagination.
That was what God wanted, I thought, so now I could do
my religious work. Mr. Scott's money would be put to good
purpose to build things to help people and glorify God.
I had better make good, make a good impression on him
and do the right things so he would see I was now worthy
to be his wife.
I did not give too much credit to Mr. Scott as far as
seeing the Christ within me. I somehow had to make a good
impression on him externally as well as spiritually by
my actions, words, gestures, demeanor, etc. I had to say
and do the right things. What were the right things? That
I didn't quite know. I was also not used to such exalted
social company, especially in public. The dates Mr. Scott
and I used to have were mostly in private. He would take
me to nearly-empty restaurants (nice ones) and never invited
me to private parties he had, which I, of course, longed
to go to.
did take me on some business excursions, his partners
and he, in order to impress male clients. I was an ornament.
He even told me once he envisioned me serving one of his
parties - for men only I presume - as a French topless
maid, waiting on them, little hat and apron and all. That's
how he saw me. He also took me home where we would sleep
together, and since I always slept late (that was still
when I needed twelve hours of sleep), I would get up way
after he went to work and have breakfast served to me
in the dining room by his "Butler." Would you
believe? I really liked the Butler - he was religious,
and we had great talks. No, I wasn't religious in those
days, but I always respected God and I was searching for
Him. Every time I used to bump into the butler shopping
somewhere around Beverly Hills, he always used to encourage
me about Mr. Scott, saying over and over again, "Call
him." But I didn't have much confidence in those
days, and this discouraged me. So instead of really working
on the relationship, I just sort of let it happen when
it would. No, I was not marriage material for Mr. Scott
because of my lack of self esteem. If I had had self esteem
I could have learned the social graces Mr. Scott's wife
would have to have. After all, I was only about twenty
one at the time. Later on a very charming and beautiful
lady did marry him. I am sure she had self confidence.
so, deluded by the thought that now that I had grown in
Christ at last I was a worthy wife for Mr. Scott, I awaited
his coming to the Playboy Club, where we would have a
glorious reunion and fall in love once again. I already
felt great love for him in my heart, inspired by the Light,
and this love would rekindle him. Then he would be perhaps
sorry we once broke up, make amends and resume our relationship,
which would possibly end in marriage. And together WE
WOULD SERVE THE LORD. After all, he was much older now
and would see the error of his ways, living for worldly
pleasures and luxury. He by now would be lonely for Divine
Love and the joy that only God's service could bring.
He would realize, after all, what is money for but to
serve God and help the unfortunate. What good were the
mansions and Rolls Royces he had. What ultimate good had
they really brought him? And with these thoughts I awaited
him. I had other things on my mind, too, things about
the show and this was taking up much of my time and energy,
but the paramount question was Mr. Scott. Now, with this
in mind, I wanted to tell you what happened on the fateful
night of January 8, 1978.
from my diary and recollection, here is what happened:
OF THE MOST MOMENTOUS NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
OF THE THREE RINGS
night I was betrothed to Christ and received promises.
went to sleep and had a terribly sad dream. It was a vision
of exactly what would happen between Mr. Scott and me.
dreamed that they were doing the story of my life and
one scene, which I am seeing, shows how pitiful I was.
was a PITIFULLY poor girl living in this room by the ocean,
like a motel room. She had NOTHING. This great rich man
came to make love to her. He befriended her and was with
her, and then he left her all alone just as impoverished
as she had been. He gave her nothing at all before he
here we see her all alone again in that poor room suffering
and the picture closes with the ocean waves breaking over
rocks, very sad. As I awoke I heard the Light say, "And
that is a chapter of your life."
was told by the Light, after I woke up, to get up and
pray the rosary, which I did kneeling on my bed facing
the wall where I have the picture of the Sacred Heart
of Jesus. This might have been the night where I said
the rosary with devotion for the first and only time in
my life thus far. I was infused with a love I had never
had before nor since while praying. After I prayed I sat
on my bed against my pillows and thought about the dream,
and when I saw clearly what it meant my heart was broken.
First my heart was dilated, until I began to cry, and
as it was dilating, it also seemed to be breaking. I felt
the deepest pain and the deepest love simultaneously,
and it was centered in my heart. It seemed that I could
hardly bear the extremity of these feelings, and I cried
deeply. Gazing at the picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
on the wall, in my mind, I spoke to Him. I was thinking
that I would be willing to suffer anything, absolutely
anything, to make atonement for my sins. In fact, I thought
about cancer, and in my mind I told Jesus I would gladly
and willingly suffer cancer to pay for my sins. This was
the uppermost and overwhelming desire within my heart
now, atonement for sin. I didn't realize it then, but
now I understand that was what is known as PERFECT CONTRITION.
PERFECT CONTRITION prepares one for union with Christ.
I now said out loud to Jesus,
ME THAT I WILL NOT DIE WITHOUT PAYING FOR MY SINS."
said to me clearly, not audibly, but in Supernatural communication,
PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL DIE IN MY ARMS."
this answer I burst into more tears, and in a short while
I said to Jesus,
A PROOF OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME, I WISH TO RECEIVE
AN ENGAGEMENT RING FROM YOU ON MY LEFT HAND."
put my left hand out and stared at it, and lo and behold,
I saw A BRILLIANT FLASH OF LIGHT BLUE LIGHT ON MY PINKY.
Full of joy, but also apprehension that this did not signify
a betrothal, for betrothal rings are customarily put on
the second finger, I complained,
THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT FINGER."
once I saw a flash of brilliant blue light on my index
finger, and again said to Jesus,
THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT FINGER EITHER!"
a moment, THE BRILLIANT LIGHT FLASHED ON THE ENGAGEMENT
FINGER! At this, I broke out in tears of joy for a long,
realized only later that the reason the Lord gave me the
rings on the other fingers first was because HE INTENDED
GIVING ME THREE RINGS, ALTHOUGH I ONLY ASKED FOR ONE -
THE RING OF LOVE - HE ACTUALLY GAVE ME FAITH, HOPE AND
CHARITY AS GIFTS THAT NIGHT - THE INFUSION OF THE THEOLOGICAL
VIRTUES! I was never the same again. In particular, these
gifts were manifested in me during this three month engagement
at the Playboy Club. I became more sensitive, and so could
feel a lot more pain, but this was mitigated by the extra
amount I also had of love in my heart. I knew then that
we mortals can never judge how much another suffers, because
we never know how much love they have within them. Little
did I know that this grace helped prepare me for the next
three months, as the Playboy Club would be a kind of torture
chamber for me, a school of torture to perfect my spiritual
existence. The incident of the rings took place from about
1:00 A.M. to 5:30 A.M. the night after January 8. After
I fell asleep I continued to feel the effects of this
supernatural state all night.
that three months, was one of the most momentous periods
in my career. Although it didn't pay much financially,
I knew that a lot of other things would happen that would
pay big dividends, and they did. But not with out the
expense of my suffering. Success and suffering always
seems to go together for me.
I left town I went to see Father Confessor for confession.
I told him that I was leaving town, going to Chicago for
three months to work, and I intended to take advantage
of the opportunity to do some missionary work there. He
gave me the name of a hospital I could visit, which I
never went to (run by religious) and he blessed me. That
blessing would sure come in handy later on. I remember
everything about the trip as being momentous or significant,
in light of what happened later on. It seemed that even
sitting on the bus with my future best friend Joi, was
significant. I purposely left Jimmy Matthews, the comedian,
to go meet her and talk to her. She kept laughing and
smiling and seemed totally amazed at all the things I
said. We would be as close as two sisters the rest of
the time. I needed a friend, and so did she. We both went
through trying times this period.
anyone is beautiful it is Joi. She is petite, dark skinned
with delicate features, an absolutely impeccably figure,
and perfectly groomed, dressed and coifed. I was very
impressed with her. Not only that, she was intelligent,
and was a professional before she went into the dancing-singing
field. And to top it all off - she is religious - to some
other best friend was Sable. Sable is also beautiful,
tall, gorgeous figure, exotic Spanish looks. Joi, Sable
and I were all three new editions to the show picked up
in New York. It seems to me they picked up some exotic
spices to spruce things up for Chicago. The rest of the
cast were Anglo-Saxon girl next door, flat chested and
flat assed. Only one of them was really beautiful I would
say, the lead dancer, a beautiful face and talented and
good, but, like the rest of them, no body.
Sable and I sort of hung out together in the beginning,
but after a while Sable kind of dropped out, and although
she remained a friend, she was usually busy doing her
own thing. I'm not sure what she was doing, because I
usually slept in the day, having bad insomnia at night
as usual, then needing - ugh - at least eleven hours of
sleep a night. I was usually lucky to get up in time to
rush to the Cathedral for 5:30 mass! After mass, dinner
time, would be my first meal of the day.
was busy rehearsing. The new people had to learn the dances,
plus I think they added some new routines for all. The
music had to be worked out for my act with the band. The
singer had to rehearse her songs with the band. I was
the least busy of them all, as my act was very simple
- only nine minutes, and I just had to dance by myself
and not worry about any choreography or rehearsals. But
just to be friendly I came to the rehearsals and watched,
most of the time. I met Jerry Lucas, and he got mad at
me because I told him if the contract was renewed past
the three months, I would have to get a raise. That was
the only time I saw him. He returned to Vegas and I did
not speak to him again. Jimmy Matthews was officially
the road manager and paid us every week.
was talking about the big-shot manager of the Playboy
Club, who was out of town. They were all in awe of his
authority in the place - I guess they knew him from the
show being there before. I couldn't wait to meet him myself
- little did I know then how traumatic and unpleasant
that meeting would turn out!
had a stack of my publicity and, as usual, everyone I
met I told about myself and showed them my publicity.
That is one of my good and bad points, especially in the
past - a very zealous friendliness and self-promotion.
That does get you talked about, but also causes jealously
and ill will on the part of some people.
the beginning I remember not knowing anything about anyone,
being friendly to all, liking all, but apparently they
did not feel the same way about me. There were inklings
of trouble which would soon turn into rivers of tribulation.
I thought then, that if I was real nice to everyone, liked
them, complimented them, they would also like me. But
that wasn't the case. What I forgot about then was JEALOUSY.
You could be perfectly nice and good, and if people ENVY
you and if they have MALICE they hate you no matter what
you do. And if you are nice it makes them BOLD in persecuting
you, as it is easy to hurt the meek and mild. That is
exactly what happened.
started with the singer-MC of the show, a fairly nice
looking girl, albeit totally flat chested, who developed
animosity toward me. I could not fathom what I had done
wrong, in her eyes. It takes only one to start something
- I learned that much from living with my mother, and
it became Mother & Co. This girl, who I shall call
Joey Gordon, started her own company of hate against me,
and so I could call it Joey & Co. And honestly, it
took about two weeks to hit me - that she despised me
and was trying to do me in!
had a resentment toward my nudity - would you believe?
Most of the other people in the show were topless and
dancing their hearts out - but their nudity didn't bother
her, only mine. That must have been because I had breasts
- big ones. And I also did a "sexy" though not
vulgar act. Actually it's all in the mind. All I did was
bumps, grinds, shakes, etc. To some people that may seem
disgusting, to some people funny, to some vulgar, and
to some exciting. Most people found my act exciting, judging
from the audience reaction.
thing that bothered her, besides my body and breasts,
was the fact that I was the star of the show. Oh, they
didn't announce me as the star, nor did they put my name
in the paper (that was the show manager, Jerry Lucas's
fault) but everyone knows that the star of Minsky's Burlesque
is the stripper, and the comedian is second, or in some
cases, has top billing with her. But there were two other
people who wanted to believe they were the stars - Joey
Gordon and the lead male dancer, a gay guy who had his
boyfriend with him. They resented the fact that I, a mere
stripteaser, was taking the limelight and attention away
from them, when they, who had all the talent, were being
soon as I got into town I started my own personal publicity
campaign. I first made inquiries about what they had done
or intended to do and it was zero. That wasn't my style.
If they weren't going to do anything, I certainly was.
That was another thing they would grow to resent with
a fury - my publicity campaign. They would be weeping
and gnashing their teeth trying to figure out how I got
all that publicity, and they would say that I was only
promoting myself and not the show.
truth was that it was the duty of the show managers themselves
to promote the show and all of us in it, but they didn't
know anything about P.R. When I did my P.R. it was for
myself and my apostolic work, but everyone knew where
I was working and people would flock to the Playboy Club
to see me and the show. It was because of my publicity,
a job they were negligent in doing.
publicity campaign started like this: The very first day
I got into town - I think it was Thursday, I immediately
bought all the papers in Chicago. (I usually do this in
must have been the following day - Friday, that I called
the newspapers. The show was to open on Monday. Two of
the papers I called were interested, but both wanted exclusive
stories, and because one of them got it first, the other
wouldn't bite. I don't recall the details, but I won one
and lost one. The one I won was The Chicago Sun Times.
Bob Greene, a syndicated columnist reaching sixty five
newspapers, came to interview me. I had no idea how important
he was. He wrote a very funny, amusing article which hit
the paper on the very day we opened. Everyone thought
it was a fluke, the fact that I got such a good article.
well, Kellie Everts got lucky. Now people will wise up,
and after they see the show they'll see she's nothing,
and we are the great ones."
was the feeling I got. Little did they know, the worst
- for them - was yet to come. This was only the appetizer.
the very first day of work, even before, Joey Gordon started
her campaign against me. Would you believe we had to share
a dressing room? I had several thousand dollars worth
of dresses and jewelry in the room, and she wanted to
keep it unlocked so she could zip in and out. But I had
to have it locked for fear of having something stolen,
most of which was brand new I had especially made to work
at the Playboy Club. I had to fight on that one, and finally,
Jimmy Matthews said my request was reasonable - everyone
knows the stripteaser has to have her clothes locked up
because they are very valuable and she can't work without
them. Joey must have started grumbling against me, because
the next thing I knew the choreographer from Vegas - a
lady - walked up to me in the dressing room and told me
off. I didn't understand what in God's name she was talking
about, but it was really strong. Something about I thought
I was the star - this was going to be a recurring theme
- that I THOUGHT I was the star - and that I had better
straighten out. I was just flabbergasted and confused,
and acted meek and quiet. I said something to the effect
I didn't know I had done anything wrong and would try
to cooperate in the future. At this point I was afraid
of getting fired - they would try that later on, too,
but wouldn't find a replacement! I intended to keep this
job, for which I had such high hopes, at all costs. It
was like I had my mind RIVETED on doing something GREAT
while working there and no one and nothing could stop
me, not even all hell.
main gist of my publicity campaign started like this.
I had a lot of Xeroxed copies of my meditations on the
rosary, as well as some other literature, and I decided
to give it out on the street. The spot I chose was very
close to the Holy Name Cathedral, which was a few blocks
away from the Playboy building. It was freezing cold,
about eight above zero, but I was determined to do this
thing. The first Sunday I gave out these papers for about
an hour or so, and the next Sunday I stopped at a coffee
shop for some coffee before hitting the streets again.
A young handsome black man befriended me, and while we
were talking he offered to help me give out the papers.
So we did it together. We had an appointment to meet the
next Sunday at the same time, but he didn't show up. I
went at it alone, and while I was giving out papers I
heard an inner voice saying,
give out any more papers."
must be the devil, I thought, and kept trying to hand
them out. But now, NO ONE would take them. About ten people
in a row refused me, and this was strange. So I stopped
and I said,
do you want me to do?" And the answer was:
want you to go on every T.V. show you can, and try to
get into every magazine and newspaper and radio show you
can, THIS WAY YOU WILL REACH MORE PEOPLE." I said,
who will want me?" And the answer was,
haven't TRIED." I was determined to try. This was
the Light giving me orders, and it made sense. I went
into the Cathedral to pray. I sat for a long time thinking
and planning what I should do, anxious to get started.
I started that very night.
must understand that I had some publicity in the past
- some quite notable, but it was never a steady stream.
After this campaign it was to become a PATTERN, a career
based on the term STRIPPER FOR GOD. I give some credit
to Bob Greene of the Chicago Sun Times for coining that
phrase, although he actually said, "'Stripper For
Christ', A stripper invited me to her room, and it was
just my luck that she was the 'Stripper for Christ',"
but in actuality the National Examiner first used that
phrase in late '77 - The Girl Who Strips for God.
very night I took whatever materials I had - copies of
the recent Playboy article I had done - Humping Iron -
and Xeroxed copies of other articles I had been in, and
arranged everything. The next day during working hours
I started calling the T.V. shows. The way I discovered
what T.V. shows were on in town that I could be on, I
would call the PROGRAM DIRECTOR of each station (first
I had to find out the names of the stations) and then
ask the program director what shows were on that I could
be on - talk shows, news type shows, etc. The programming
director would give me the names of shows, the producers
names, and the telephone numbers and addresses. Now I
had something to work with. This is a very important point
to remember if you are working on publicity. I discovered
that you have to be systematic, thorough and persistent.
There was a method to my "madness" I would say.
And, later "my success will be my revenge."
also went upstairs to the Playboy Magazine publicity department
to find out if they could give me any help or advice.
They were nice to me at first, but later they were very
busy and didn't have time to get involved with my affairs.
Actually, this is the only help they gave me - the head
of the publicity department told me, answering my question
of how to call back T.V. shows once I had submitted myself,
"every day." Go for it, girl!
editor of Playboy, Sheldon Wax, was more help than that.
I went up to see him in person. I had faith in him because
he had once done me a favor by phone. When they did the
articles "Humping Iron" they forgot to mention
anything about my ministry or the One World Light Church
- I knew they did because they called me to verify the
copy. I called Sheldon Wax, and he did me the big favor
of putting this information into the Playbill section
in the front of the magazine. I knew he was a good person
- was encouraged. I persuaded my friend Joi to go with
me, maybe she could get something out of it too. After
all, she certainly was beautiful enough and sexy looking
to be in the magazine. Joi went with me reluctantly, thinking
it was no use. She didn't think I could get anything out
of this, either. Later I made a believer out of her
Wax was taken aback by my impromptu visit - I don't think
they have steady streams of visitors up there. Most of
their work is writing, editing, layouts, research, etc.
It is more of an intellectual world, a writer's, editor's
world. He did not have me sent back. He came out to see
what I wanted. When I introduced myself he was kind enough
to let Joi and myself go back to his office - way at the
other end of the floor. The Playboy building is very beautiful,
both on the outside and the inside. On the inside, as
far as I recall, they have nine floors or so, and each
floor is exquisitely decorated with art that was especially
made for and featured in Playboy - not only photos and
paintings, but also paper mache statues and such, and
lots of plants, etc. I think the Playboy offices were
the most beautiful of any offices I have ever seen.
Wax was smoking a pipe and he was surrounded by books
and hundreds of stereo classical records, one of which
was armed with a tape recorder of a T.V. show I had just
been on in Chicago (my first one there - I will tell you
about it later) in which I gave a good plug for Playboy
Magazine during the interview. I insisted that Sheldon
Wax would hear this, although he protested at first. I
insisted, so hear it he did. I think he was overwhelmed
by my rashness. However, in the light of later events,
I think Sheldon Wax was open to the promptings of the
asked Mr. Wax if they could do another article on me for
Playboy, knowing his answer would be a probable no, because
I had been in it twice already, and once recently. He
predictably explained this to me. However, he said that
perhaps they could put ONE photo in the gossip section,
because of the fact that I was dancing in the club downstairs.
I had won, and later he assigned a photographer to take
some photos of me. As far as Joy went, unfortunately,
though we tried, she didn't get anything out of it except
seeing the offices, meeting Sheldon Wax, and watching
my P.R. workings in action. I told her that her being
with me was a learning experience in preparation for her
future stardom. She would also go with me on some T.V.
shows, just watching, and would get a little publicity
toward the end of the gig - I'll tell you about that later.
show that I was on, which I persuaded Mr. Wax to listen
to, was Friday Night with Jay Levene. The producer, Bob
Shultz, is the one who invited me. Later he would move
to Los Angeles and would be instrumental in getting me
on the Real People show. When he called I was so thrilled
I was beside myself. The P.R. was beginning to work! I
obeyed God and it was bearing fruit!
was with me when I went to do the show, just sitting in
the audience. It wasn't a very good interview because
I did not have much experience and confidence at the time,
but I was learning. It was a beginning.
Playboy Club Lounge, where we ate most of our meals, was
a gigantic place which also had a stage show - Duggan
Dancers - and was graced with the always-beautiful bunnies.
One of the features of the lounge was television sets
spaced throughout the whole area where people could see
various shows which had been taped. I asked them to tape
my show, which they did, and they played it over and over
- at least four or five times to my knowledge. When the
other people in the show saw me on this T.V. show, they
were amazed. The ones who hated me, Joey & Co., were
very upset. Again, they figured it was another fluke of
Kellie Everts, and probably the last show she would get
on. But they would see more of Kellie Everts again and
did not only try to contact T.V. shows, but also every
magazine and newspaper that I could get in Chicago. The
reason I was so successful was because I had the unction
of the Holy Spirit. Also, I contacted EVERYONE, even the
black paper in town. Even my friend Joi, who is black,
didn't get into the Chicago Defender, but I did. I saw
the paper and thought,
not? Black people appear in 'white' papers, so why can't
a 'white' person appear in a 'black' paper?"
sent them a letter and a photograph where I was sporting
a REAL dark suntan. The editor called me up and in a discreet
way asked me if I were a lady of color. I told him none
of us really know what we have in our background, but
presumably I was white, I couldn't lie about that. He
decided to interview me anyway, thank God. So we made
an appointment. He met me downstairs in the lounge for
our interview. What a gentleman he was! Tall, distinguished,
well-spoken and spiritual. He told me a very interesting
thing. He had made a vow never to set foot in the Playboy
Club and he had broken his promise to come and see me.
I asked him why.
said that he had joined the Playboy Club way back when
it first started, and somewhere down south a new club
opened up. Because he had a key he took a few of his friends
and they all went down there. His friends were darker
than he - this man was kind of a light mulatto color,
and the Playboy Club refused entrance to his friends,
but said he could come in. Of course, he wouldn't enter
without his friends and was highly insulted, then proceeded
to sue the Playboy Club.
happened next, as he told me, was that Hugh Hefner himself
pleaded with him to give up the lawsuit, saying that private
franchises did, more or less, what they wanted, and he
couldn't do much about their policies. After much cajoling,
the black editor gave up his suit, but promised himself
he would never again set foot in a Playboy Club. As he
told me the story he seemed very sad, and I knew why.
He was ashamed of himself for not following through with
the lawsuit. He d id not maintain the courage of his convictions.
Of course, the sin of discrimination I'm sure also made
he interviewed me. The article, which he wrote himself,
was excellent, flattering actually. He said that I was
beautiful within, as well as without. He loved me!
coup that I made was getting on the Common Ground show,
a late-night talk show hosted by Warren Saunders, an intelligent
well-spoken black man. He was married to a lovely oriental
lady who later came to see our Revue with her husband.
He told me after the show that if he had seen the show
first, he would have given me a better spot on Common
Ground! What they did do was put me with two black deadbeat
comedians. One was nice, but an unknown, one was bitter
and jealous of the exposure that white woman got on television.
He used his airtime to vent his rage, and wasn't very
funny. This show, like the first one, was repeated three
or four times in quick succession, so I got a lot of exposure.
effort that Joi and I both made, which did NOT succeed,
was trying to get on this big telethon which they had
at the time. The rest of the Minsky Revue got on it, answering
telephones in the middle of the night. For some reason
Joi and I weren't interested, I think because it was part
of a mob scene. But I did call up from my hotel room to
cheer them on, and the host got on the phone and loudly
proclaimed that he was talking to Miss Nude Universe Kellie
Everts, so that was a plug.
next day I told Joi that she and I should go down there
dressed in our sexiest outfits and get on the air while
helping their cause. Again, she was reluctant, but I persuaded
her it was worth a chance, and she should wear her fishnet
leotard embroidered with jewels from head to toe. We felt
like a couple of fools because everyone was staring at
us and they wouldn't let us on the air. They were a bunch
of prudes. Before we left I approached Herb Kupcinet to
persuade him to put me on his talk show, but he brushed
me off, saying he would call me, which I knew he wouldn't.
We both were dejected and left, totally disgusted with
our failure. Joi in particular was upset, but nothing
could stop me from going on. I say every "no"
brings you closer to a "yes." This was just
a stepping stone to the next yes.
that, I did get on the A.M. Chicago show, which was hosted
by the very lady who hosted the telethon. This was God's
way of returning my effort. The last show I got on in
Chicago was the Ron Hunter Show, which was my best interview.
Because all these shows were repeated however, I was on
the air a couple of dozen times it seemed! Everyone was
talking about me!
were several others who definitely wanted to use me. However,
the time schedule did not permit a spot before I left
town. Lots of show producers came to see me at the Playboy
Club to watch me and talk to me. In fact,
I had more reporter guests than anyone had ever seen at
the Club. Reporters were supposed to get a discount, but
they played a nasty trick on me with that. The manager
of the room, by the name of Ken, was good friends with
the singer, Joey Gordon, and had been her drummer in the
past. They were bosom buddies.
next thing I know, this Ken informs me that my guests
will no longer get a discount, they will have to pay full
price. I protested that this was the press giving publicity
to the show, but he wouldn't hear of it. The imbecile
had been programmed by Joey's jealousy and hate. It was
her way of getting even with me for my publicity.
had much to hate me for. One time something happened which
even befuddled me, and I knew I was in for it after that.
In the first couple of weeks of the show Joey kept saying
the critics-reviewers will come, and then we will see."
way she said it really scared me. I had an ominous feeling
they would praise the show, but make fun of me or say
that I was a no-talent. I think that was the concept she
was projecting to my mind, hence I picked it up. It was
as if she was angry that I was getting attention (not
much yet, this was only the beginning, but you could FEEL
my Charisma, or the presence of the Holy Spirit). This
intangible presence brought my stardom home to everyone's
mind. She HATED me for that, though I did not yet know
the extent of her hate. I also knew that the Club had
arranged this press showing themselves. They were giving
the press the red carpet treatment: free dinners, etc.,
and possibly were friends with Ken and Joey.
the night of the reviewers after my show, Joey came back
to ask me, with a chip on her shoulder,
how do you spell your name and what are your measurements?"
told her, and she went away to tell one of the reporters.
came out in any press after that. We all kept waiting
and waiting, and I kept asking Joey when this great press
would come out. Finally, one day one of the customers
stopped me and said he had read a review praising me and
knocking the show - he was laughing. I asked him where
he had read it, and he gave me the wrong name of the paper.
The next day I looked all over town and finally found
it in the luxury buildings. It was a free paper. With
all their hotshot publicity acumen this was the only press
they could muster up. Anyway, here is what it said:
PEOPLE - by Ann Gerber
FOLLIES AT THE PLAYBOY CLUB ON WALTON IS THE USUAL SEVEN
BARE BREASTED GIRLS, ONE MALE DANCER, A SINGER, AND AN
AGING COMIC WITH PETRIFIED JOKES. SUDDENLY, THIS SHOW
WAS LIFTED TO THE HEAVENS. "HER NAME IS KELLY EVERTS,
AND SHE IS 44-21-38" WITH AN UNBELIEVABLY SEXY BODY.
KELLIE WRITHES, PRANCES AND STRIPS, EXHIBITING THE LARGEST
BREAST I HAVE EVER SEEN ON A BEAUTIFUL FIGURE. FORGET
MINSKY'S. JUST GO SEE KELLIE. WOW!
one else in the show said anything to me except Joey.
She kept ranting and raving at what they said about the
show, about the comic, and the lack of anything about
herself. I kept apologizing. I was shocked! I felt it
was a chastisement from God against them for being so
rotten to me. That was the only explanation I could think
of. I also firmly believe that Ann Gerber felt or saw
the presence of the Holy Spirit within and around me and
the article would indicate by saying "the show was
lifted to the heavens."
the heavens opened when I went out to do my act. Never
before or since, do I think God ever gave me so much light,
because never before or since, have I ever needed it so
much. You must understand my situation. First, I took
this job for much less than my usual salary - one third
of what I was getting in a lot of places at the time.
Then, after they hired me as the star they did not even
put my name in the paper or even announce me as the star
- they gave me a very terse, nondescript announcement,
as "the most beautiful body in the world." Of
course I wanted something to do with God, but they wouldn't
hear of it. My next cross was the jealousy and outright
persecution of Joey Gordon and anyone she could muster
up to work with her - I'll tell you more on this later.
And to top this off, my heart had just been totally broken
by Mr. Scott, which I mentioned and will explain more
about later. Together, with all the other little crosses
we have with daily life and personal life, you can really
see I needed God's help, and God gave me more than enough.
compensate for my broken heart, the way I was treated,
and because I was cooperating with God's grace in everything
He told me to do, God filled me with much light, in particular
this showed when I was performing. Every time I got on
the stage I did not feel like myself. It was a phenomenon.
My act was very short, but it was good. In nine minutes
I did everything that a stripteaser can do. Every time
I performed I saw much light going out into the audience
EVERY SHOW. It never failed. I would visibly see blue,
green, gold and white light out there, streaming into
members of the audience. They weren't touched by Kellie
Everts when they applauded, they were touched by God.
I always got tumultuous applause, and the rest of the
cast could not figure out WHY. True, they were all so
talented and I wasn't. I admitted it to them time and
time again. How they hated me. How could they fathom or
figure out the supernatural? How could they know that
that very hatred they poured out on me caused God to pour
into me more GRACE, and contribute to their own undoing.
The more they set out to destroy me, the more the Light
restored me. They HELPED me to be greater, and diminished
themselves. You see why Satan's ways don't work?
might be asking, in what tangible or outright way did
Joey & Co. actually persecute me. To give you an example,
she was actually trying to get me fired. It started over
a stupid incident about a love affair going on - a triangle
between one of the Duggan Dancers, a beautiful blonde
bunny and a not-so-beautiful member of our cast. The member
of our cast sort of took the guy away from the bunny,
and everyone was talking about it. It got so bad that
sometimes the bunnies wouldn't wait on members of our
cast downstairs, making us wait long periods of time for
service. Therefore, there were a lot of comments; after
all, it wasn't our fault they fell in love.
unfortunate day I even approached a group of bunnies that
were sitting together relaxing upstairs at a table near
my dressing room. I told them that I, myself, as well
as members of our cast were sympathetic with the bunny
who had her boyfriend taken away, and they shouldn't take
it out on all of us because of the actions of one member
of our cast. I only realize no, that one of these bunnies
was friends with Joey Gordon and must have told her exactly
what I said. This gave her fuel to compose a case against
me. It happened like this:
of us new members of the cast had yet met the big-shot
manager of the club, but the others knew him from previous
engagements. In particular, Joey knew him very well because
she lived in Chicago and worked in the club at various
evening, I was sitting downstairs in the lounge with Joi
and Sable when one of the assistant managers came up to
me. He said that the manager, whom I will call Leek Doball
wanted to see me. It was sort of ominous, my friends looked
worried. The assistant manager led me upstairs which was
like a maze to me, as I wasn't yet familiar with the surroundings.
He took me through the kitchen elevator upstairs to the
cabaret room. In the cabaret room, all was dark except
for the tiny lights that are always on so you wont trip
when you walk into the room. I think in the area where
the manager was, there was just a little extra light.
Along with the manage, Ken, Joey Gordon's bosom buddy
were also there. I sensed trouble, and here it came.
was in a drunken rage. He opened up with,
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
you Leek Doball, the manager?"
THE FUCKIN JANITOR. NOW YOU LISTEN. YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH
SHUT AROUND HERE. THEY TELL ME YOU THINK YOU'RE THE STAR
(a recurrent theme), BUT THERE AINT NO STARS IN THIS SHOW.
YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. NOBODY TALKS TO THE BUNNIES
BUT ME, OR ELSE WE'LL SEND YOU BACK TO VEGAS TO PIMP YOURSELF.
YOU GOT THAT? NOW, THERE'S THE DOOR."
was my first meeting with the great manager. I glanced
over at the assistant manager and Ken, and they both looked
guilt stricken. I think at that moment, they realized
they had been dupes in the workings of a jealous woman,
and this was the outcome. The whole thing seemed senseless
to me. I left through the door he pointed out and rejoined
I told them what had happened, they were both flabbergasted
and Joi kept saying that if it happened to her she would
pack her bags and leave that very night.
I said. "I'm not going to leave. I have a lot of
work to do here and I am going to accomplish my goals.
My success will be my revenge."
was really bitter and kept saying she would leave.
long, Leek Doball came down and sat down next to me, practically
apologizing. Those guys must have said something to him
in remorse. Perhaps that the whole thing had gotten out
of hand, etc. Now Leek was saying that the whole thing
was caused by these two young kids and everyone else was
getting screwed up because of it. He said he was going
to FIRE them if they didn't straighten out. For my part
"From now on I will mind my own business and all
I will talk about is GOD," (and I resolved to do
so will I," he said, and left the table.
was thinking, why should he or anyone else interfere with
the love affair of these young people? Did they think
they owned us while we were working there? That was another
problem with living at the Playboy Club that we soon find
out. We slept there, ate there and worked there for three
months, and it was like living in a fishbowl. Everyone
knew what everyone else was doing, you didn't have any
privacy - you couldn't get away. Of course, you could
always go out and eat somewhere else, but that would cost
money, and I'm sure some people would leave occasionally
and stay out overnight somewhere. But other than that,
we were in a fishbowl existence.
the meantime, the threat of being fired hung over me and
it continued to loom overhead until almost the end of
the engagement. They even tried to find a replacement
for me, but they couldn't. One girl showed up to audition
and she must have been insane, because she started dancing
and stripped in the lobby. She had seen me on television
and wanted to be like me. She said she was like me and
religious too. They had to throw her out, I don't know
what was wrong with her. Perhaps the light hit her and
she couldn't handle it. Verna Talbot told me a case about
a guy she helped once who kept saying over and over again,
hundreds of times,
want Jesus, I want Jesus."
said she saw the light of the Holy Trinity, in a sort
of triangle over him. But he went "nuts" because
he wasn't READY for such light and he actually thought
he BECAME Jesus! They had to take him away in a straight
jacket! Things like that can happen when people aren't
able to handle the graces they receive. Perhaps God is
teaching them a lesson - there is no INSTANT PERFECTION
- it happens in steps, and you have to work for it.
time, I saw two of the managers downstairs eating and
conferring, I was on the other side of the small room
and they were discussing me - about firing me. You see,
I cause great CONTROVERSY because there was so much talk
and so much jealousy involved. I was an innately STRONG
woman like a rock you couldn't move, and this was a threat
to them. They were used to the regular kind of women they
knew how to handle. I heard one say distinctly,
she makes over 1500 dollars a week when she isn't here!"
was the crux of the problem. I had made a great sacrifice
to work this job, so how could they replace me?
was a lot of fire going on at the Playboy Club concerning
me, and twice it took VISIBLE form. I alone knew that
it was a visible manifestation of controversy, and I kept
my secret to myself for fear of giving them more fuel
to fire me. It happened like this:
first case, I was arguing with one of the managers about
the prerogatives of an artist and a star. We were in the
lounge where they have the buffet - all the buffet food
was close to us on a large table, the hot food being kept
heated by Bunsen type burners underneath. This young man
was a handsome mulatto who I noticed had his ass kissed
a lot by certain white ladies in the shows. It must have
gone to his head. (He should have had his ass kicked,
not kissed.) He was telling me that whatever the management
told us to do, we should do. I told him that the management
should have RESPECT for artists and the traditions of
artists and stars. In particular, what had happened was
that once in a while I would throw a article of clothing
out into the audience; men would catch it and I would
retrieve it later. Men always like to be singled out this
way, and they like talking to you when you go to get your
clothes, even if it's just a few words. It is sort of
a tradition in stripteasing that this is done, but not
day, I threw my panties into the audience - they were
sheer, decorated with sequins, and a man caught them.
I knew who he was and went to get them, but he refused
to give them back, saying he didn't have them, some other
guy had them and he left. I pleaded with him, because
without these matching panties I could no longer wear
the outfit. Then I went to the management and asked them
to get them back for me. They were mad at me for bothering
them, but went over and asked him. Again, he said he didn't
have them. Can you imagine a guy wanting a woman's panties
so much? They came back to me and said the guy didn't
have them, but I said,
he does and I HAVE to have them back."
about six of the guys had to go to the guy and tell him,
he better give back the panties or else. He finally gave
them back! But they were real mad at me and told me never
to throw my clothes into the audience again, which sounds
reasonable. It was the WAY they said it that hurt me,
without any respect. So, we were arguing about this in
the lounge, and this guy started raising his voice at
me because, how dare I, a woman, talk back to him!
for no explicable reason, a part of the table where the
Bunsen burners were, toppled over. All the food and everything
fell to the floor, and the fire kept burning, endangering
the flammable items around it. They all rushed over and
grabbed everything, so nothing serious happened, but I
knew this was a result of OUR ARGUMENT. The incident ended
our argument, anyway.
second time was this: It had to do with the Playboy shooting
of my magazine layout. It was the second Sunday we worked.
You wouldn't believe how hard I worked to do that article!
Remember when I told you about going to the office of
Sheldon Wax, Sheldon Wax saying I could have maybe one
photo? He then assigned a photographer, etc. Well, the
photographer and I worked so hard, did such a good job,
and they liked it so well that they used not one, but
SIXTEEN photos! Would you believe that? As I said, I made
a believer out of my girlfriend Joi. The article would
come out later, in the July 1978 Playboy, called Stripping
For Christ. It showed a series of photos of my stripping
right there on the stage. It was kind of a land mark for
Playboy, the first time they ever gave a stripteaser publicity.
(Of course, I had been in it twice before, but not for
stripteasing. The first time as Miss Nude Universe, the
second time as a bodybuilder.) It is definitely a policy
with Playboy that they DO NOT feature professionals, only
girl-next-door types. The only thing I did not like about
the article was the fact that the reproduction quality
of the photos was very bad. They did not put all the colors
into the reproduction, so it looked sort of blue and red
tones. The actual photos were extremely beautiful.
The first Sunday I met the photographer, a young assistant.
He had a whole cartload of equipment. We worked about
eight hours, which sounds hard to believe, but it was
all day. I was on a twenty-four hour fast, only drinking
coffee, trying to look good and thin. It was strenuous,
but I put my heart and soul into it. It was so important
to me. The photographer was also very diligent. At the
end of the day's shooting I asked him if we could do some
more photos<: (I was not perfectly happy with the way
I looked). I felt I could do better another time. He even
agreed to that. You must understand that Sunday was my
only day off, and I think it was his day off too. We were
both making sacrifices. You know how you feel when you
have only one day off and you used that day to work. However,
I was so grateful to Playboy for letting me do the article
that I didn't mind putting myself out.
we had an appointment the next Sunday also. Again I was
fasting, and this time couldn't even get a cup of coffee,
as the coffee shop was closed for some reason. I went
upstairs to the Cabaret Lounge and ran smack right into
Jimmy Matthews, our star comedian and road manager (the
petrified jokes one). He was BERATING the photographer,
trying to tell him that he couldn't take pictures of me
or use the Cabaret before first clearing it with the show!
This I didn't like. I told him that Playboy business comes
first, and Playboy Magazine does hot have to ask him for
permission to use the Cabaret or take pictures of anyone.
Besides, I said, you should be a little nicer to me considering
how you are paying me to be in your show, etc. He left
in a huff, saying something about calling Jerry Lucas.
I only found out later that Jimmy Matthews was planning
to have a photographer take HIS photos that day in the
Cabaret Lounge. If he had only told me, we could have
taken a break during our shooting and let him take his
photos - but no, instead he had to attack us.
he left we were working about two hours. I had gotten
about a quart of coffee by now and refreshed myself about
every fifteen minutes. The photographer had plenty of
hot lights on me, and I felt that I looked better than
last week; better make-up, and different shoes, which
I had bought for an incredible price from Jordan. All
of a sudden, something flashed behind me and the photographer
jumped - it was fire. The wires from the lights had caught
on fire. We both rushed over to put it out. The curtain
was made of this metallic-type fringe hanging from floor
to ceiling, and some of it caught fire. Our hearts were
beating as we stamped away until, thank God, it was all
gone. This could have been a TOTAL DISASTER. The whole
Playboy building could have gone down! Wow - were we frightened!
We definitely could not take any more photos.
we stamped everything out we hid the evidence as best
we could, all the charred remains of things, and had to
wash the floor, etc. We put the whole shebang in the deepest
part of one of the garbage pails, encased in plastic so
no one would suspect there had been a fire. We were both
scared to death that we would be blamed and fired.
the point that I am making is this - FIRE. Every time
someone argued with me, FIRE would break out. And it seems
that their intention of FIRING me made visible FIRE break
out! I kept all this within me, never said a word to anyone,
and neither did the photographer. I was able to breathe
again when they had the show the next day and no one noticed
the char marks on the floor. That is what I went through
to get the article done for Playboy. And you know, what
gets me is when people are so JEALOUS of my success in
publicity. They think it is just LUCK and not WORK. If
they put in the work I put in, perhaps they could get
some of my success.
taught my friend Joi a little bit. She had a tendency
to be pessimistic, not having faith that she would make
it, although she WANTED to make it with all her heart.
I told her to keep trying, keep plugging. For example,
I told her, you have these very beautiful photos of yourself
just sitting here, why don't you send them out to a few
places so they can print them.
will print them," she said to me, "they will
just throw them in the waste can."
said the same of MY photos. I was real mad at her for
saying that, and insisted that she send them out. She
finally did to about two or three entertainment magazines.
Wasn't she surprised when a few weeks later her photo,
a very beautiful one with a feather headdress, was printed!
It was a small thing, but it made her outlook more positive.
I recall another magazine printed her photo with the members
of the cast, and she and Sable were the most beautiful
when we both returned to New York after the Playboy job,
Joi tried my methods for her own success and they didn't
work. I don't know the answer. Every life is different
and each person must find their own path of success. She
tried and tried for about two years, and still nothing
significant has happened. I feel that her color has a
lot to do with it. But deeper than that, for some reason,
God is delaying the onset of her success. I surmised and
told her, that God wants her to grow some more spiritually
before it will happen. If it happened now, it might spoil
her spiritual development. You know, that can and often
does happen. We think success is good, but it isn't good
unless we are ready for it. Success is success in God,
first of all. Physical or worldly success can lead to
great pride, sin, rebellion, luxury, and all sorts of
bad things which destroy the soul. Before I reached any
measure of worldly success, I was severely tried in the
furnace of tribulation. God wanted to make sure that my
worldly success did not go to my head. I had to give my
life to God completely, and then, only then, did he give
me some measure of worldly success. It often is with the
good. To the bad, once they have completely given themselves
over to the world, God let's them have whatever they want,
if they work for it. But what they get works toward their
is very well explained in the book MYSTICAL CITY OF GOD
by Ven. Mary of Agreda. In Book III, the Transfixion,
is the following, from the last will and testament of
Christ upon His Cross:
"I CONSENT THAT THE FOREKNOWN AND REPROBATE (THOUGH
THEY WERE CREATED FOR ANOTHER AND MUCH HIGHER END), SHALL
BE PERMITTED TO POSSESS AS THEIR PEOTION AND INHERITANCE
THE CONCUPISCENCE OF THE FLESH AND THE EYES (John 1, 2-16),
PRIDE IN ALL ITS EFFECTS; THAT THEY EAT AND BE SATISFIED
WITH THE DUST OF THE EARTH, NAMELY WITH RICHES; WITH THE
FUMES AND THE CORRUPTION OF THE FLESH AND ITS DELIGHTS,
AND WITH THE VANITY AND PRESUMPTION OF THE WORLD. FOR
SUCH POSSESSIONS HAVE THEY LABORED, AND APPLIED ALL THE
DILIGENCE OF THEIR BODY; IN SUCH OCCUPATIONS HAVE THEY
CONSUMED THEIR POWERS, THEIR GIFTS AND BLESSINGS BESTOWED
UPON THEM BY US, AND THEY HAVE THEIR OWN FREE WILL CHOSEN
DECEIT, DESPISING THE TRUTH I HAVE TAUGHT THEM IN THE
HOLY LAW (ROM. 2, 8). THEY HAVE REJECTED THE LAW WHICH
I HAVE WRITTEN IN THEIR HEARTS AND THE ONE INSPIRED BY
MY GRACE; THEY HAVE DESPISED MY TEACHINGS AND BY BLESSINGS,
AND LISTENED TO MY AND THEIR OWN ENEMIES; THEY HAVE ACCEPTED
THEIR DECEITS, HAVE LOVED VANITY ( Ps. 4, 3), WROUGHT
INJUSTICE, FOLLOWED THEIR AMBITIONS, SOUGHT THEIR DELIGHT
IN VENGEANCE, PERSECUTED THE POOR, HUMILIATED THE JUST,
MOCKED THE SIMPLE AND THE INNOCENT, STROVE TO EXALT THEMSELVES
AND DESIRED TO BE RAISED ABOVE THE CEDARS OF LEBANON IN
FOLLOWING THE LAWS OF INJUSTICE" (Ps. 36, 35)
"SINCE THEY HAVE DONE ALL THIS IN OPPOSITION TO OUR
DIVINE GOODNESS AND REMAINED OBSTINATE IN THEIR MALICE,
AND SINCE THEY HAVE RENOUNCED THE RIGHTS OF SONSHIP MERITED
FOR THEM BY ME, I DISINHERIT THEM OF MY FRIENDSHIP AND
GLORY. JUST AS ABRAHAM SEPARATED THE CHILDREN OF THE SLAVE,
SETTING ASIDE SOME POSSESSIONS FOR THEM AND RESERVING
THE PRINCIPAL HERITAGE FOR ISAAC, THE SON OF THE FREED
WOMAN SARAH (Gen. 25, 5), THUS I SET ASIDE THEIR CLAIMS
ON MY INHERITANCE BY GIVING THEM THE TRANSITORY GOODS,
WHICH THEY THEMSELVES HAVE CHOSEN. SEPARATING THEM FROM
OUR COMPANY AND FROM THAT OF MY MOTHER, OF THE ANGELS
AND SAINTS, I CONDEMN THEM TO THE ETERNAL DUNGEONS AND
THE FIRE OF HELL IN THE COMPANY OF LUCIFER AND HIS DEMONS,
WHOM THEY HAVE FREELY SERVED, I DEPRIVE THEM FOREVER OF
ALL HOPE OF RELIEF. THIS IS, O MY FATHER, THE SENTENCE
WHICH I PRONOUNCE AS THE HEAD AND THE JUDGE OF MEN AND
ANGELS (Eph. 4, 15; Col. 2,10), AND THIS IS THE TESTAMENT
MADE AT MY DEATH, THIS IS THE EFFECT OF MY REDEMPTION,
WHEREBY EACH ONE IS REWARDED WITH THAT WHICH HE HAS JUSTLY
MERITED ACCORDING TO HIS WORKS AND ACCORDING TO THY INCOMPREHENSIBLE
WISDOM IN THE EQUITY OF THY STRICTEST JUSTICE" (II
Tim. 4, 8).
this explains what happens to the bad, but what happens
to the good? From the same book:
"FROM THE MULTITUDES OF MEN, IN THE FULLNESS OF MY
GOOD WILL, I CALL, SELECT AND SEPARATE ALL THE JUST AND
THE PREDESTINED, WHO THROUGH MY GRACE SAVE THEMSELVES
BY IMITATING ME, DOING MY WILL AND OBEYING MY HOLY LAW.
THESE, NEXT TO MY MOST PURE MOTHER, I APPOINT AS THE INHERITORS
OF ALL MY MYSTERIES, MY BLESSINGS, MY SACRAMENTAL TREASURES,
OF THE MYSTERIES CONCEALED IN HOLY SCRIPTURES; OF MY HUMILITY,
MEEKNESS OF HEART; OF THE VIRTUES OF FAITH, HOPE AND CHARITY;
OF PRUDENCE, JUSTICE, FORTITUDE AND TEMPERANCE; OF MY
DIVINE GIFTS AND FAVORS; OF MY CROSS, LABORS, CONTEMPT,
POVERTY AND NAKEDNESS. THIS SHALL BE THEIR PORTION AND
INHERITANCE IN THIS PRESENT AND MORTAL LIFE. SINCE THEY
MUST CHOOSE THESE IN ORDER TO LABOR PROFITABLY, I ASSIGN
TO THEM THE TRIALS I HAVE CHOSEN FOR MYSELF IN THIS LIFE,
AS A PLEDGE OF MY FRIENDSHIP, IN ORDER THAT THEY MAY UNDERGO
THEM WITH JOY. I OFFER THEM MY PROTECTION AND DEFENSE,
MY HOLY INSPIRATIONS, MY FAVORS AND POWERFUL ASSISTANCE,
MY BLESSINGS AND MY JUSTIFICATION, ACCORDING TO EACH ONE'S
DISPOSITION AND DEGREE OF LOVE. I PROMISE TO BE TO THEM
A FATHER A BROTHER AND A FRIEND, AND THEY SHALL BE MY
CHOSEN AND BELOVED CHILDREN, AND AS SUCH I APPOINT THEM
AS THE INHERITORS OF ALL MY MERITS AND TREASURES WITHOUT
LIMITATION. I DESIRE THAT ALL WHO DISPOSE THEMSELVES,
SHALL PARTAKE OF THE GOODS OF MY HOLY CHURCH AND OF MY
SACRAMENTS; THAT, IF THEY SHOULD LOSE MY FRIENDSHIP, THEY
SHALL BE ABLE TO RESTORE THEMSELVES AND RECOVER MY GRACES
AND BLESSINGS THROUGH MY CLEANSING BLOOD. FOR ALL OF THEM
SHALL BE OPEN THE INTERCESSION OF MY MOTHER AND OF THE
SAINTS, AND SHE SHALL RECOGNIZE THEM AS HER CHILDREN,
SHIELDING THEM AND HOLDING THEM AS HER OWN. MY ANGELS
SHALL DEFEND THEM, GUIDE THEM, PROTECT THEM AND BEAR THEM
UP IN THEIR HANDS LEST THEY STUMBLE, AND IF THEY FALL,
THEY SHALL HELP THEM TO RISE" (Ps. 90, 11, 12).
"LIKEWISE IT IS MY WILL THAT MY JUST AND CHOSEN ONES
SHALL STAND HIGH ABOVE THE REPROATE AND THE DEMONS, THAT
THEY SHALL BE FEARED AND OBEYED BY MY ENEMIES; THAT ALL
THE RATIONAL AND IRRATIONAL CREATURES SHALL SERVE THEM;
THAT ALL THE INFLUENCES OF THE HEAVENS, THE PLANETS AND
THE STARS SHALL FAVOR THEM AND GIVE THEM LIFE; THAT THE
EARTH, ITS ELEMENTS AND ANIMALS, SHALL SUSTAIN THEM; ALL
THE CREATURES, THAT ARE MINE AND SERVE ME, SHALL BE THEIRS,
AND SHALL SERVE ALSO THEM AS MY CHILDREN AND FRIENDS (I
Cor. 3, 22; Wis. 16, 24), AND THEIR BLESSINGS SHALL BE
IN THE DEW OF HEAVEN AND IN THE FRUITS OF THE EARTH (Genes.
27, 28). I WISH TO HOLD WITH THEM MY DELIGHTS (Pros. 8,
31), COMMUNICATE TO THEM MY SECRETS, CONVERSE WITH THEM
INTIMATELY AND LIVE WITH THEM IN THE MILITANT CHURCH IN
THE SPECIES OF BREAD AND WINE, AS AN EARNEST AND AN INFALLIBLE
PLEDGE OF THE ETERNAL HAPPINESS AND GLORY PROMISED TO
THEM; OF IT, I MAKE PARTAKERS AND HEIRS, IN ORDER THAT
THEY MAY ENJOY IT WITH ME IN HEAVEN BY PERPETUAL RIGHT
AND IN UNFAILING BEATITUDE."
great book may be purchased from Tan Books and Publishers,
P.O. Box 424, Rockford, Illinois, for forty dollars as
of this writing (it is in four volumes.) They also have
an abridged version for twelve dollars, as of this writing.
The book is also available from the Association of Marian
Helpers, Stockbridge, Mass 01262, and also from the Blue
Army of Our Lady, Washington, New Jersey, 07882. Each
one of these organizations has a selection of good Catholic
books, but the best by far is from Tan Books and Publishers.
I get almost all my books from them by mail order.
part that I have quoted here is not all of the last will
and testament of Our Lord from the cross. There is much
more. He describes greatly what He leaves to Our Blessed
Mother, His Mother. How all His treasures are given to
us through Her sacred hands, and the rest has more explanations
concerning the good and the bad and all creation, etc.
You should definitely think about getting this and studying
it. It is perhaps the greatest of books besides the scriptures,
and to me is a continuation of the scriptures. I have
heard about people having total transformations after
reading this book. I myself have had some incredible spiritual
overhauls when I got done with readings of it. My first
reading, which I finished at Christmas, 1978, ended up
with my newfound faith in Christ and God. This was infused
into me supernaturally after I had lost it for a while.
That was the abridged version that I read. The complete
four volume version, which I started about January 1980
(I only wrote down when I finished the first volume, 3/3/80)
and finished April 16, 1981 ended with THE GIFT OF CONTEMPLATION
which enabled me, for one thing, to start writing these
journals and end up with my autobiography!
this great book and from other writings I surmised, the
following is in relation to the case of my friend Joi
as well as others. First of all, God gives us all that
we want UNLESS IT IS BAD FOR US. To the reprobate, who
INSISTS on having the things he/she wants, WHETHER OR
NOT IT DESTROYS THEIR SOUL, God reluctantly gives what
they want. This happened in the case of Judas. Also explained
in MYSTICAL CITY is of how Judas INSISTED on being the
treasurer although St. John the evangelist, the Blessed
Mother, and also Our Lord tried to talk him out of it!
He first commissioned St. John to approach Mary and make
the bid for his being treasurer, but Mary turned him down,
knowing what it would lead to. Finally he went to Our
Blessed Lord and our dear Savior and said to him,
you know what you are asking?"
the fool, said yes, he knew and he wanted it anyway. So
he got what he wanted and it lead to his betrayal of Christ
and his eternal damnation in the lowest pit of hell! That's
what happens to people who INSIST on having fame and fortune
and the things of the world at the cost of their eternal
life. There are plenty like that! They again and again
betray the Lord in His principles, only to gain transitory
goods! What fools!
is where I have a tremendous disagreement with the Protestant
preachers who I hear on radio and television and have
also read many of their books. They preach too much on
the physical and transitory blessings of Our Divine Savior
and not enough about the CROSS. The CROSS is the main
thing we get on earth and NOT the transitory goods, and
yet they keep harping on material blessings and physical
health. This is not the way. Yes, He gives material blessings
and healing, but not always. Some preachers, and good
ones too, ones that I love, indicate that all sickness
comes from the devil and God wants all sickness to be
healed. This is the tenet of Mary Baker Eddy, and GOOD
faith healers of today (whom I love and have sent many
donations to). However, the Catholic Church teaches us
differently. The Church teaches us that although God permits
Satan to afflict us with diseases and other tribulations,
it is not always His will that we be healed physically.
If that were the case, then all people of faith would
be healed, but they aren't. There are cases of people
who have become totally transformed after their sickness,
complete spiritual renewal and even sainthood, and yet
God does not take their affliction away. Take the famous
case of Joni Erickson, who was paralyzed from the neck
down at an early age and about whom there have been books
written and a good movie made. Why isn't she healed? Bishop
Fluton J. Sheen talks about the case of a lady in an iron
lung for years and years, one of his converts, who is
suffering the continuation of the pains of Christ on the
Cross. No, it is not physical healing and transitory goods
that is our reward from Christ. Only in some cases does
he give physical healing, mental healing, material blessings.
But most of the time even the good are poor and have sickness
and suffer greatly. In fact, the good do suffer more than
anyone else in this life. Their joy is reserved mainly
for eternity. The evil get the stupid things they want
on earth. They reject the cross of suffering, poverty,
contempt, deprivation, and live it up down here, receiving
renowned stigmatized Franciscan Priest Padre Pio, who
died in 1968, was confronted by a blind man wanting to
be cured. Father Pio said to him,
can either give you back your sight, but cannot guarantee
your salvation, or you can remain blind and your salvation
will be assured."
man chose physical blindness to make sure he would go
to heaven. Wise choice.
of us pray to God to give us things. Perhaps we think
"If only I were rich all my problems would be solved."
But Our Lord knows better. If your problems would be solved
by your being rich, then He would make you rich! It is
RICH IN ETERNITY that He wants to make you! He knows what
can happen when you become rich on earth - what a disaster
it can make in your spiritual life! JUST LOOK AT THE WEALTHY.
ARE THEY SPIRITUAL? ARE THEY KIND? ARE THEY CHARITABLE?
NO, MOST OF THEM ARE CONTEMPTUOUS, GREEDY, LOVE LUXURY,
ARE PROUD AND VAIN AND WOULD SPIT AT THE POOR WHO BEG
THEM FOR HELP. And don't think you wouldn't do it! It
is an insidious, creeping thing that infiltrates your
thinking without you being aware of it. When you are poor,
you think if only you were rich, you would give lots of
money to the poor. But as soon as you get money into your
hands, what have you done with it? How much did you give
to the poor? Did you spend it all on yourself, saying,
well, God gave it to me so it is MINE? I deserve it, why
should I give it away? If the poor want it, let them work
for it, let them pray, and let them be good as I am in
order to deserve what I got. You see what I mean? And
how do I know people do this? Because it is the story
of my life. I myself have done this over and over again,
but I think each time I learn more about myself and a
little more of the evil that is destroyed.
good example. I am in a church courtyard out of town in
Ohio. I am praying to God,
so poor, please give me more money (this was 1972) because
surely, Lord, I will help others."
get up and walk down the street to go to work. Some young
ladies pass me - they are selling little flowers for donations
for veterans. I just keep going. About a block down the
street the Lord says to me,
said you would help the poor BUT YOU DIDN'T."
turned around, anxious to give, BUT THEY WERE GONE. It
was a TEST and God showed me what a LIAR I was! Do you
see what I mean? Do you know a good test to see if you
are really sincere about helping others? Give all away
that you don't need right now - all your old clothes,
furniture, and appliances - to good will, salvation army
or someone else. Then, if you have any money, give some
real donations for masses and other charitable things,
especially to help the poor. Then you are sincere. Otherwise
you are lying to yourself. If only people would divest
themselves of what THEY DON'T NEED so many poor people
would be relieved!
relation to my good friend Joi, I shared with her the
pains of her trying to succeed and getting nowhere. Yes,
she got dancing jobs and singing jobs, but nothing that
was leading anywhere to the stardom and affluence she
was seeking. That means that God will absolutely take
her by His own ways, and sometimes His ways are painful.
I have walked the painful road and now am coming into
success. I wouldn't trade the pains I had for anything
in the world. I sometimes even think I could have taken
more pain, and now had more blessings, but that is rash
thinking. God is the judge who knows how much we can take.
Now Joi has been through intensive pain - mostly the pain
of rejection. She has worked so hard with singing lessons,
dance training to the point of great proficiency, and
has spent a ton of money on her career and on her beauty
preparation. Several times she has called me in such a
deep depression that she was crying. I tried to console
her in every way I could. Add to that my own success,
for it now seems that everything I touch turns into "gold,"
and Joi is watching this. However, Joi did not see the
years of hardships I had endured. Only in 1971 did my
healing start, but I was not yet successful. I was still
paying my dues. I paid and paid in money, in pain, in
rejection and in failure, up until just recently, when
things started falling into place. I would say only in
late 1980 did I start feeling that success was upon me,
and in April 1981 I KNEW I was a success, in EVERY way,
not only spiritually, but in my work on earth.
had not seen everything I had gone through, except for
the three months at the Playboy Club. But that was nothing
because "I already had Christ so my pain was sweet!"
What about when you don't have Christ?! That is total
ABANDONMENT, that is HELL!
have explained to Joi my version of what I think is going
on. I think that God is PREPARING her for success. This
pain is laying the furrows of success, like the great
wound in Our Lord's side which was opened up by the soldier's
lance and poured forth abundant graces. We must be wounded,
we must be humiliated, we must suffer defeat before we
partake of glory. That is the way of the Christian, that
is the way of the good. The evil do their own thing, and
I want no part of their ways. In pain, God does prepare
us for future graces. Be patient. Don't give up. Never
lose hope or fall into despair. Work on your relationship
with God, I kept telling her. Good will come!
is a sad note to the story about Sheldon Wax, the then-editor
of Playboy, as he was killed, along with his wife and
the rest of the passengers on the plane, in the DC-10
crash of May 25, 1979. I lost a lot of people in 1979
- My mother in March, my mentor Verna Talbot on May 11
- Sheldon Wax May 25, my father July 28. That was the
year also my daughter ran away from a private school.
I had terrible problems with her. I was arrested in Toronto
and would not have been able to return to Canada till
1981, I gave 120 sermons at Harlow's in New York - preached
at the MUDD CLUB - (would you believe?) - did the Real
People Show. There was a big fire in the building I lived
in which killed two people, including my next door neighbor,
a Lithuanian - to name a few events. In between all this
I was also working, traveling and getting on the news,
doing lots of interviews, etc. It was an earthshaking
year for me.
to Sheldon Wax. He had been very good to me. Not only
did he put that nice article in with the sixteen photos,
but later he put my picture in TWICE, in October 1978,
in the letter to the editor section, printing a letter
I wrote to him plugging our speech on Our Lady of Fatima
in front of the White House, and in February 1979 he put
two photos of me in the section The Year In Sex. He even
used my photo in the table of contents! I knew he was
doing me favors, led by the Holy Spirit, and so, when
he died, I was stricken. I immediately went to St. Jean-Baptiste
Church in Manhattan and had sixty dollars worth of masses
said for him, his wife, and the other members of the plane
crash who got killed. I also started a thirty-day novena
of prayer for him. It was a terrible accident, and I kept
envisioning what he and the others must have went through
when they knew they were doomed to die! May his soul rest
was just speaking to Joi yesterday and read her some of
the things I wrote about the Playboy Club. We both laughed
thinking about some of the wild incidents. One thing we
really got a belly laugh out of was how she fell in love
with the hotshot manager, Leek Doball, and what BOTH of
us had to endure on account of her infatuation. It happened
first Joi despised Leek because of his telling me off,
but the next thing you know, she was in love with him.
Now why she was in love with him God only knows, but we
both figured it this way; when Joi was real young she
lived in the south, where, as you know, blacks and whites
don't mix. However, they do mix on occasion, secretly.
One of these secret affairs happened between Joi and the
local sheriff, a real redneck, she told me. The thrill
of their escapades, and the forbidden excitement of it
all left an indelible impression on her mind. I told her,
and she agreed, that Leek Doball represented the same
thing that her old sheriff love affair represented; acceptance
and love from a white man in authority. She longed for
love and acceptance, and Leek Doball loving her would
satisfy her need.
need of hers was real serious in many ways. First of all,
it made her sick, physically and otherwise. She couldn't
sleep at night, often coming to my room to talk just to
make it through the night, and sometimes she would get
sick to her stomach and even VOMIT thinking about how
much she wanted him! It was getting really bad! To top
it off, Leek was married, rumored to be a faggot (though
I doubt it) and didn't even know Joi was in love with
him. Mind reading was definitely NOT one of his talents.
to do? I had to help Joi - she was leaning on me. I asked
her if he had any inkling that she liked him , and she
told me, that he should be able to FEEL it. I told her,
you can't expect a guy like that to read your mind, he's
a manager, not a psychic, and just because you have strong
feelings doesn't mean they are registering on him. She
didn't believe me, she thought he knew. I assured her
that some way, some how, I would help her get together
was toward the end to the engagement that this affair
came to a head. Her "sickness" for him was getting
worse, and there wasn't much time left. One day, I just
approached him to talk. As you know, he had told me off
fiercely in the beginning, but after that there was sort
of a truce, but certainly we weren't bosom buddies. I
think he was learning to appreciate me for various reasons,
business and otherwise. Every time Joi would see him her
heart would beat wildly, etc. I would just sort of laugh.
Of course, he had no idea what was going on. So, as I
said, one day I approached him and asked if I could speak
to him about something. There were people around trying
to listen, and it could get back to his wife, so within
their earshot I started to tell him about my desire to
have him put me on the cover of TOWER magazine, the entertainment
magazine which is given out in each major hotel. What
goes on the cover is decided only by the manager of the
hotel. Usually they had a rinky-dink picture of the bar
on the cover. I thought we could do better than that by
putting myself on it. The idiotic Minsky show apparently
never even thought of putting a picture of the cast of
the cover, and two months had already gone by. I knew
these things take a few weeks, so I figured if I ask him
now there was a chance to get in on it just before we
closed. The funny thing is, I would have never really
done it unless I wanted to approach him about Joi. It
required humbling myself quite a bit before a man that
had treated me like a tramp, and now I was humbling myself
PRESUMABLY to get my picture on the cover of this magazine,
but in reality, in the hope of getting him together with
seemed to be so amazed, almost relieved, at my request
(maybe he was a little scared of what on earth did I want
from him) that he said yes immediately, no problem. By
now no one was on guard and listening, so I said, in a
by the way, did you know that one of the girls in our
show is in love with you?"
No - who?"
beautiful girl named Joi, with the gorgeous figure."
mean that black girl?"
she's madly in love with you and wants to get together
with you. Why don't you give her a call?"
room is she in?"
tell him the room.
her to be there, I'll call her later."
of the conversation. A girl nearby asked me what I was
talking to him about, seemed a bit worried, (she was friends
with he wife) and I said,
It might occur to you the morality of my move, being that
this man was married, and adultery and fornication are
supposed to be a sin. I knew this. However, I also knew
he wasn't the kind of guy who is totally faithful to his
wife, so if he was going to make love to someone it might
as well be Joi, who was sick with love for him and needed
to be cured of her sickness. It was a touchy situation,
and that's how I reasoned it out at the time. What I would
do today in a case like that would probably be different
- perhaps today I would have the spiritual strength to
help such a person without resorting to physical remedies.
What I did was in keeping with my spiritual powers at
the same time. It was my way of showing my charity to
Joi, the fact that I cared enough. I tried every other
way; praying for her, with her and over her, and it just
didn't work. So the next move was penance, and what a
penance. It happened this way:
Leek called it was to meet him somewhere (some disco),
and when she breathlessly went down there, he was already
gone. What was he trying to do? I told her that the next
time such an "opportunity" came up, I would
go with her, and it was soon after that. She was told
to join him and his friends in the V.I.P. lounge. We both
got dressed up and went there. He was there that time.
was the one who sat close to him and did most of the talking.
No one would suspect ME of having an affair with him.
Joi just sat on the sidelines at a loss for words, as
often happens when you are smitten. That was what had
happened when I was with Mr. Scott, and my girlfriends
had to do the talking, but that's another story which
I'll finish later.
we weren't just joining Leek, we were also joining his
hoodlum friends. We would be seeing too much of these
lowlifes in the near future. What a group. The lowest,
dumbest, crudest bunch of guys I had ever met IN MY WHOLE
LIFE, and that's saying some! I knew innately that Leek
was with these guys for a REASON. It wasn't for his health.
He was crude too, but I think they were even lower than
him. There must have been some kind of business dealings.
This bunch of hoods always demanded plenty of attention
and plenty of girls around, and some of the bunnies actually
LIKED them. Then one or two others would be sort of coaxed
to come along to do the manager a favor. I knew that if
we hung out with this pack we should be making points
with Leek, as he wanted to impress and satisfy these creeps,
and if we made enough points, he would make love to Joi.
I know this sounds strange, but I knew this. He knew he
would have to pay me back for this favor. The fact that
I was the star of Minsky's Burlesque and the fact that
I had a lot of publicity made me able to win more points.
If it had been up to Joi all by herself, I don't think
she would have had the guts to preserver to the point
that she would be with him. That may sound funny to you,
but here's what I mean, for example.
first time we went out with these screwballs, after initially
meeting Leek in the V.I.P. room, was one of the most demeaning
and boring nights of my life. The whole idea was Leek
and Joi had to get together, and this was the prelude.
They took us to several places, and each place they carted
us around like sexy baggage, more or less saying to all
their other friends we met along the way,
look at these broads we got."
you must understand what state of mind I was in, having
just been betrothed to Christ and received his three rings.
Christ was shining within me and I was being treated like
a whore. Maybe this represented part of his passion, the
scourging perhaps. At one point Joi said to me,
of these people must surmise that we are in show business."
they surmise that we are a couple of whores."
we were dressed in very revealing fashion. I had on a
low cut black sweater, skintight jeans and black boots.
Joi had on a see-through black lace blouse. We were both
elaborately made up. She looked at me startled but realized
the truth of my words.
are exactly what these guys get off on. They want everyone
to think they are big shots who buy beautiful, sexy women,
and we are supposed to be the women. We look exactly like
what they want."
recall a few minutes after that when they introduced us
to one of their high-class friends and this "man"
want to fuck you."
do you get the picture of our penance?
was at the second bar-disco that Joi wanted to call it
quits. She had had enough. I told her we were going to
stick it through. I said,
we came here for a reason, to get you together with Leek
Doball, and we are going to see it through. It you walk
out now, don't you come running to me with how much you
want him, because I wont help you anymore."
problem was that Leek was ignoring Joi, and talking to
anyone and everyone but her, which was understandable.
When someone is in love with you it kind of gets noticed.
Everyone feels it. In fact, even though she hardly said
one word to him a few people were saying,
something going on between Leek and Joi?"
order to keep Joi from walking out and getting a cab back
to the Playboy Club (which she was about to do) I had
to psyche her up with the following rationale,
course he's ignoring you. What do you want the man to
do, he's married. If he pays attention to you everyone
will notice. That will blow the whole thing, and you'll
never make out with him. I know he likes you, he told
me so. You just be patient and everything will come out."
good came out of this deal for myself also, without my
even looking. I told Leek I wanted to dance (a number
I really liked had come up) and he didn't dance, but immediately
sent someone to "get" me a dancer. A handsome
guy turned up who was a disco dancer as a hobby, and after
we danced we talked and exchanged phone numbers. That
eventually led to one of the most beautiful nights I ever
spent with a man. This guy was a YOUNG Mr. Scott. Mr.
Scott was already in his sixties by the time our reunion
came about. This man was in his early thirties, was a
real estate agent for a large firm, had impeccable manners,
taste, a good education, a gentleman, handsome, charming,
debonair, well-spoken, very light skin, blue eyes, and
brown hair. His name was Randall. He had it ALL. Unfortunately,
he was also living with a lady and after the first night
we spent together she got bent out of shape, so the next
time we were together he could only stay a short time.
was the end of the engagement, so we didn't have much
time together. After I returned to New York I called him
once and insisted that he get us a house and we live together,
etc. He was flabbergasted and said he didn't know I felt
so strongly about it. But also, soon after that I realized
ALL my romantic days were over.
to Joi and her problem. After our ordeal was over, Joi
and Leek finally got together. I don't recall the details,
except that there was a lot of maneuvering in which I
had to take a part, and he finally went to her room. Before
he left the room he said to her the same thing he said
to me in the Cabaret during our fateful meeting,
your mouth shut."
affair was not over yet. She was now in love more than
ever. This was the beginning, not the end in her mind.
We had to go through yet another ordeal with the foul-mannered
boys. This one was even worse than the last, and we BOTH
walked out this time.
often "partied" in one of the Playboy Club suites,
and so we all trudged up to this suite. On the way, they
picked up an unsuspecting black hooker in the lobby. I
felt real sorry for the girl because after they took her
up all they did was make fun of her, and the poor girl
was just trying to make a living. Finally, she got wise
and left, but not before being severely humiliated. I
honestly felt sorry for her, but what could I do? I was
being humiliated too. Joi looked like she was ready to
cry this time because Leek was in the room with the hooker
for a while, I think. The whole thing is sort of some
kind of nightmare. Finally, Joi just took off and walked
right out of the door, and so did I. After all, I was
only there to help Joi out.
the creeps got upset and begged us to stay, but we kept
going. While we were waiting for the elevator, one of
the guys ran out and begged us to return, but I told him
to send Leek out. He hesitated, but I insisted. So he
left and finally Leek came out, and I told him I was sick
of the way he was treating Joi, etc., and that's why we
were leaving. He looked just a little ashamed of himself
and promised to come down to her room as soon as he could
get away, and so he did. That was the second and last
escapade with him and his boys. Thank God that was finished!
on it was revealed to me why my pal Joi went through such
a crushing ordeal. When I was taken up with Mr. Scott
and he rejected my love, a deathlike depression took over
my being. Joi saw it in my face and said,
would never let a man affect me that way."
wanted to teach her a lesson - a lesson of compassion.
must say I felt real lonely and out of it that night myself
because I was now enamored with a young man that worked
in the club, and Leek sent for him to join us. I was planning
to have my own night of love, but he never came. I was
I had several "affairs" of my own before leaving
the club. At first I was very careful about any type of
entanglement, sacrificing sex for the sake of God and
the work I was doing. I felt it was tricky to have an
affair and be going on T.V. shows talking about God at
the same time. It would sap my spiritual state. So I was
good for about two months, but toward the end of the two
months I weakened and decided to have some "fun."
recall going to confession at Holy Name Cathedral and
saying to the priest that I was tempted to have sex, and
I wanted him to help me maintain my chastity. He said
he would, but I weakened anyway.
the several men I had sex with before I left, only one
made an impression on me, the one I mentioned. One other
one was very sexy but had no respect for me, it seemed.
Two others were duds. I wish I had not done it with them.
One other one I tried to make love to was so afraid of
me he refused, although he was a great lover and reached
a lot of women. He was the lover-boy that started the
triangle in the beginning, which I mentioned to you, and
his name was Ruffino. He was very handsome, well-built
and sexy, although not too much upstairs. However, the
day before his show left town I tricked him into coming
out of his room, (where he was making love to a girl)
and saying I wanted to say good-bye, gave him a big French
kiss he could not get out of for a while. You could say
I raped him with my tongue. The head of his dancing troupe,
Duggan, told me the reason Ruffino would not make love
to me was because he was afraid of me. I was too strong
a woman. So he was the one that got away.
might be wondering how a woman who had received three
rings from Christ could do such terrible things. The answer
is, the three rings did not take away my sex drive. Not
right away. They were like powerful SEEDS from Christ
which had not yet grown and developed. Now these affairs
I had caused me GREAT PAIN in spite of the temporary thrill
I was experiencing. I had also great remorse afterwards,
except for the one I really liked - Randall. With the
other ones I felt USED, like a piece of meat, like I had
lowered myself. But with Randall I felt love and respect.
think God allowed me to meet Randall as a gift, just to
see one good one that could have made me happy. Besides
an old flame I had about ten years before that, I had
never been happy with a man. God wanted to show me that
it was humanly possible for me to meet a man I could have
been happy with, and I know I could have been happy with
this man. It was like God wanted me to have something
GOOD to give up, not all duds, which it would be no sacrifice
to give up.
the time of the three rings, I also did not understand
the full significance of what was happening. I didn't
know what the rings signified, and Christ did not TELL
me to give up sex. However, when the virtues started growing
I had more power over myself, and could control my desires
in a way I was totally unable to before. After all, you
can't make sacrifices until God gives you the POWER to
do so. In my case, I needed a lot of power to control
my sex drive.
was worrying about what people will think, worried that
people will think that if I committed sex sins I must
have imagined the spiritual experiences I had, sin and
favors from God being incompatible. I need to get into
that more, to explain my feelings on this. My life is
a good example of a SINNER being saved and graced and
restored by God, slowly but surely pulled out of sin,
but in steps, not all at once. There is no instant perfection.
Why do we need the help of God's grace unless we are SINNERS?
God came to save SINNERS, not the GOOD. Do you think God
waits until you become perfect before He graces or visits
you? That's ridiculous because you become better by His
visits, by His graces. You become better by more and more
of Him taking over more and more of you. As God enters
your being more and more, more and more sin and imperfections
are being pushed out. It is a gradual process and, to
my knowledge, CANNOT happen all at once. Growth is always
a gradual process, physical growth and spiritual growth.
Father DePaul and I had a talk on this recently and both
feel precisely the same way, that growth takes time, change
for the better takes time.
think that our common conception of saints is that THEY
NEVER COMMITTED SIN. True, there have been some saints
who never committed any SERIOUS sins, no mortal sins.
But, then again, there were Mary Magdalene, a serious
sinner and St. Augustine, who had a child out of wedlock
among other things. It isn't whether you have NEVER committed
sins that counts, it's whether you have REPENTED, made
perfect CONTRITION for the sins you have committed. The
mark of sainthood is contrition, not total absence of
sin. Yes, Anne Catherine Emmerich had only one sin, (that
she was aware of) - looking at and wanting fruit fallen
down in a neighbor's yard. She felt that this was against
shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods,"
committing this "sin" at the age of eight she
was consumed with repentance for the rest of her life!
Terese Helena Hiffinson, the Spouse of the Crucified committed
only one "sin" that she was aware of, and that
was at the age of seven merely DELAYING an answer to a
call from her mother! If everyone had to be that clean
all their life to make it to heaven, few of us would make
it - maybe one out of a billion. But, cheer up, friends,
there is hope for us. Jesus came especially to straighten
out the weak, the ignorant, the malicious, just like me.
Yes, St. Thomas Aquinas explains there is malice in ALL
sin. Even though I hate to admit it, saying that I've
never done things out of malice in light of what he says.
I guess I have also thought about the self-righteous and
the prudes who will be disturbed that I, who dare say
that I was betrothed to Our Lord, had sex with several
men within a short period of time. It is truly amazing
how self-righteous people can be, even those who are committing
THE VERY SAME SINS, who are fornicating and committing
adultery themselves and yet are shocked and scandalized
when someone else does it! It is because we tend to EXCUSE
our own sins and CONDEMN the sins of our neighbor. People
see the speck in their brother's eye, but they don't see
the log in their own.
was not sure whether sex was a sin or not. I feared it
might be because the Christian Church says it is, but
our body says otherwise. There is a biology within us
that says you need love. Where do you get it? How do you
get it? Sex is one of the main ways people try to share
love, but some of us are full of fear about sex. Women
are especially hard hit for sex acts because of the double
standard. You climb into bed with a guy and he comes up
clean and you come up dirty.
the days of our youth, we fight our worst struggles with
the natural urges. Some of us want to be saints. How can
we meditate? How can we pray when we are distracted by
natural urges? Who is it that is tempting us? Is it the
devil or is it nature? Through Yoga and self renunciation,
in time we can diminish and even eliminate our sex drive.
fear revealing their sex lives, especially when they are
trying to be taken seriously as spiritual persons. But
the truth is we all have to face our human nature. All
saints faced powerful human urges. Some were able to become
celibate, some were not. Do you have to be celibate to
reach sainthood? I wasn't sure at the time, but I think
it is important for people like myself to reveal what
we know; what we know about our struggles with sex and
for God. I will not lie about this. I felt sex was an
impediment to prayer. So what do you do about it?
cannot judge the STRESS factors that cause people to FALL
into sin. We don't know how much STRESS they are under,
which God alone knows. You absolutely cannot judge from
without. Without all may be tranquil, a person may be
living in the lap of luxury outside, and total poverty,
abandonment within. By the same token, don't judge misery
by externals. Some people who are poor are happy. They
may be happy within and within is the substantial state
of your being. I personally have noticed that quite often,
under the most luxurious external circumstances, such
as living at the Playboy Club and in Toronto, Canada,
etc., I have suffered the most. It was almost like a signpost
Kellie. I give you luxury outside, a beautiful place to
live, and yet look at your pain. Never judge from the
outside. Be happy to live in physical poverty, as long
as you have ME."
abandoned me when I was young. Not when I was a little
child. Then I had both God and my physical father. My
physical father loved me and also represented God the
Creator in my life. When my mother split us up and I no
longer had my physical father, a trauma indeed, I quickly
also lost the presence of God the Father. At the age of
twelve, my faith in God began to waver, something that
would have been UNTHINKABLE before. To top all this off,
my mother began torturing me, and this external condition
persisted till I was sixteen and left home, at which time
I was still wounded and sort of "bleeding" from
what she and others had done to me.
I lived on the farm I was quite young and there was little
or no opportunity for sex, but once I got older I discovered
that men were extremely attracted to me. Of course, they
were attracted to me from about the age of eleven, but
I did not take them up on anything. Men saw in me an object
of what they desired physically, and to me, any attention,
any love, was better than no attention, no love. You might
why didn't she just control herself, and for the sake
of God refrain from having sex relations, knowing it was
you forget one factor, stress. First, God had abandoned
me. Second, my mother hated and tortured me, and I had
lost my father. I had NO ONE to turn to. I had no relationships
to console me, no strong friends or relatives to turn
to - nothing.
wasn't SEX that I wanted, it was LOVE. MEN wanted SEX.
As most of you well know - especially the woman - men
are into sex. They don't want platonic or spiritual relationships
with women. When they like a woman and have a relationship,
they feel that sex is part of it, ESPECIALLY if you are
young, sexy or beautiful. I recall asking one man,
you ever just have a relationship of FRIENDSHIP with a
woman, without having sex?"
the CREEP said,
but not with YOU. I could never just be friends with you
without having sex. Other women, yes."
how ALL, and I mean ALL, men felt about me. The sex itself,
although not a goal, eventually became a HABIT. I would
rather have been just FRIENDS with men, but they pressured
me to have sex. The more you do sex, the more it gets
to be a habit, just like smoking or drinking and just
as difficult to break! Pretty soon you think you NEED
it when you really don't. I was in the HABIT of having
sex. It became a pattern, and soon I INTERNALIZED the
image that men projected on me, that of a sex object.
It becomes a devastating mental pattern. Now I wanted
all the best, most handsome, most sexy men, and felt they
could not turn me down. I would grieve and cry when anyone
turned me down, like young Ruffino at the Playboy Club.
It was like Ruffino was denying me food, and I was starving.
This would cause me to have fits inside. I even began
to think, (what crazy thoughts people can be deluded with)
that GOD consoled me for my sufferings by giving me the
prerogative to have any man I wanted. It was my RIGHT.
See how low you can go? But in my heart, I knew I was
a weakling and wasn't strong enough to break the pattern.
I knew that eventually, if I kept making heroic attempts,
it would happen.
you are thinking another thing. Why wasn't I like other
normal women who look for a man to settle down with, have
a home and children, etc. That thought did occur to me
from time to time, but I always dismissed it. First, it
was the feeling of worthlessness inside which made me
incapable of finding or holding on to the right man. I
would treat men like sex objects after a while, the way
they treated me. Second, I had had a marriage to a man
I was not in love with but had to take care of because
of his illness and subsequent death. I hated being married
and the thought of being married because I hated being
DOMINATED by men, and most men want to dominate. I wanted
to be totally independent, wanted to depend on no man,
not having anyone support me, make my own way by my own
power. I felt marrying a man for money was a cop-out,
a sign of weakness; a sign that I didn't have enough guts
to face life and make it on my own. Most woman marry with
security in mind, having the man support them. If someone
supports you, you have to listen to them. Why should I
listen to a man when I can work, make a living and do
what I want? It was just totally against my way of thinking.
was one man in my life that I think would have married
me, if I had wanted him to. He was a handsome movie star
who had been the longtime lover of Mae West and husband
of Jayne Mansfield, Mickey Hargitay. We were in love and
he was the greatest guy a woman could EVER find in every
way: gentle, loving, kind, affectionate, sexy, famous,
etc. During our affair I drove by in front of the pink
palace where he was still living and I saw a shooting
star above. I knew I was to make a wish, that if I wished
he would marry me, and I said an emphatic,
Because he could have made me HAPPY and we would have
led a normal, contented life. Why didn't I want that?
Because I knew that the HARD way would eventually take
me to the TOP - the top in every way, spiritually and
worldly-wise. It was like taking a chance on a long shot
instead of settling for a sure thing, which did not pay
as much. I wanted EVERYTHING. I would not settle for comfort,
happiness and security with the perfect man, Mickey Hargitay!
I wanted a chance of making it to the top BY MY OWN POWERS,
and not with the help of a man! I wanted to prove myself
to myself! Men like to prove themselves, so why shouldn't
to me were never potential marriages, but simply friends.
The sex was something I could have lived without, but
they always wanted. It became part of the package. Later
on, men were only a habit, I no longer took any of them
is one sad note to my sex affairs. I think I could have
given up sex around 1971, when I was first initiated and
totally illuminated with light, but my mentor Verna Talbot
kept telling me to be "normal." I told her men
were no good and I wanted nothing more to do with sex
or men for the rest of my life, and I meant it. Verna
Talbot kept pushing me to date. The first two years, after
my initiation, I only had two dates. In 1973 I started
going out more regularly and the old pattern was somewhat
revived. I suffered like a dog. I lost some of my focus
and inner integrity. It wasn't worth it. If only I could
stop. But lust has a damning effect on the mind. It actually
inhabits the power to reason, according to St. Thomas
think that if Verna Talbot had really UNDERSTOOD me completely
she would have known that my path was the path of mystical
perfection and that austerities and self discipline were
a vitally important part of this development. She thought
I was just like herself, but I wasn't. She was illuminated
and transformed by a miracle all in one day, all at once,
and she never practiced mortification. She had a gift,
and she did not have to do anything special to maintain
that gift. I was different. Exactly how different I think
I will understand later in life, but I know I am different.
another gripe I have about sex. People always say it's
normal, and it is. Let's have a healthy attitude toward
sex, not be prudes. However, someone on a path of spiritual
perfection has to, somewhere along the way, might have
to give up sex.
last thing I have to say about sins of sex and weakness
in order to combat any of you who feel self-righteous
is this: Sins of the flesh are less serious than sins
of the intellect. In some cases they can be more DANGEROUS,
but they are less serious in the eyes of God. Again, I
learn from St. Thomas of Aquinas:
SPEAKING SINS OF THE SPIRIT ARE MORE SERIOUS THAN SINS
OF THE FLESH. WE SAY "GENERALLY SPEAKING" BECAUSE
IT IS EASY TO SEE THAT A MORTAL SIN OF ADULTERY IS A GRAVER
SIN THAN A VENIAL SIN OF INTELLECTUAL PRIDE. BUT, ALL
THINGS ELSE BEING EQUAL, SINS OF THE SPIRIT ARE MORE SERIOUS
THAN SINS OF THE FLESH. THIS IS SO FOR THREE REASONS.
FIRST, IT IS PROPER FOR MAN'S SPIRIT TO TURN TO GOD AND
NATURAL FOR HIS FLESH TO TURN TO THE GOODS OF THE BODY.
CONSEQUENTLY A SIN OF THE SPIRIT IS MORE SIMPLY A TURNING
AWAY FROM GOD, WHEREAS A SIN OF THE FLESH IS CHIEFLY A
TURNING TOWARD THE GOOD OF THE BODY. SECONDLY, A MAN OUGHT
TO LOVE HIS NEIGHBORS AND GOD MORE THAN HE LOVES HIS OWN
BODY. HENCE A SPIRITUAL SON AGAINST HIS NEIGHBOR OR GOD
IS MORE SERIOUS THAN A SIN AGAINST HIS OWN BODY. THIRDLY,
THE IMPULSES OF THE FLESH DRIVE A MAN MORE STRONGLY TO
THE SIN THAN DO THE DESIRES OF THE SPIRIT. AND THE STRONGER
THE IMPULSE TO SIN THE LESS GRIEVOUS WILL THE SIN BE."
(My Way - Pocket Edition of St. Thomas, The Summa Simplified
for Everyone by Walter Farrell, O.P., S.T.M., and MARTIN
J. MEALY, S.T.D. Published by the Confraternity of the
Precious Blood, 5300 Ft. Hamilton Pdway, Brooklyn, N.
view of this Our Blessed Savior Jesus said,
to you Pharisees, the prostitutes will go into heaven
a short time after we opened at Minsky's, Mr. Scott came
into town with a partner. He was much older by now, but
still handsome and dashing. In fact, I was a little appalled
by how old he looked in his sixties. I loved him as a
person, not for just sex appeal, so my feelings were the
he arrived I had a conference with my two friends, Joi
and Sable, and asked them to help me all they could. I
was in a frenzy and practically speechless when we talked
on the phone. I feared making a complete fool out of myself.
They promised to stand by me and do what they could. I
got him a suite of rooms in a very expensive nearby hotel,
the Playboy was booked up. I think the suite I booked
him cost about two hundred dollars a night. I forgot to
ask the price when I booked it and just took the best
they had. He told me later, a little surprised, but he
was a millionaire. I figured, so what?
know I told you about the DREAM I had which indicated
in a symbolic sense exactly what would happen, and that
Christ fortified me with the three rings, etc., but that
which we know in a mystical manner still remains to be
acted out. In a similar sense, Christ knew from the moment
of His life's beginning that He would have to suffer His
passion and death, and everything that it would entail,
but He still had to live it and it hurt. The same thing
happened to me. In a mystical sense I knew what was coming,
and the scenario unfolded before my eyes, with me as the
was amazed by the change in me. We met right after our
show (he first watched us perform). Then I changed, Sable
and Joi joined me, and we went to meet Mr. Scott and his
friend. The first thing Mr. Scott said was how amazed
he was by my presence on the stage, how overwhelming I
was. I guess he saw the Light too. I was rendered speechless
again, and barely managed to introduce my friends with
any aplomb. We went into the V.I.P. room where a fine
dinner would be served to us on a glass table with all
glass utensils. The room was dim and lit by candlelight.
A very romantic setting, and my darling MR. SCOTT was
treating us. It seemed like dozens of waiters were hovering
around us, but my mind was focused on Mr. Scott and all
else faded out. I couldn't eat. I lost my appetite completely,
and ordered only salad. I had a strange sense of not being
worthy to have him buy me a whole dinner.
Scott did most of the talking. I had begged Joi and Sable
to make up for my speechlessness, but they weren't any
help. They hardly spoke either. Only the partner piped
up when I wished he would stay shut. Mr. Scott was talking
about a movie he had just finished filming which starred
RICHARD BURTON. I said,
what was your capacity in the production of the film,
smiled and said, obviously pleased with himself,
was MR. BANKER."
you still have a Rolls Royce like you used to?" I
I have TWO, and they are MUCH BETTER ONES than I had before.
One is worth $68,000."
you still have the townhouse in the Hollywood Hills?"
no, now we have a big estate in Bel Air."
on, and on, and on. My mind was swimming with the thought
that Mr. Scott was the answer to a girls prayers. If only
he would help me. A man in his position could REALLY HELP
someone, not with just cash but connections. There's a
hundred things he could have done for me, if he had wanted
to. For the moment I had forgotten our past love affair
where he never invited me to parties where important people
were. I was his private property, not to be shared by
anyone else. I was thinking that things were different
now. I had changed. I was a new woman. I was reborn, and
a more worthwhile person. Maybe he had changed too. Maybe
now he would appreciate me more and extend a hand in helping
me, for old times sake in nothing else. Maybe now he wouldn't
be ASHAMED of me because, after all, I had grown in stature
in the eyes of the public, publicity wise anyway. Maybe
God wanted us together now, because the Light TOLD me
to contact him! All these thoughts were swimming through
was another show, so the men had to go to their hotel,
and I promised Mr. Scott that I would join him later,
after we did our second and last show for the night. (We
did two shows a night and three on Fridays and Saturdays.
An easy job as
far as that goes - for me, anyway.)
asked Sable to go with me because I needed her support.
Little did I know then that she would help me in a MYSTICAL
manner, without even being aware of it. Many of us have
powers we do not know about. (In exchange for that, about
a year later, Mary rewarded her with an extraordinary
grace of bringing Sable to the Blessed Virgin Mary, deeply
inspired with light, and a short time later received a
letter from Sable saying she thanked me for teaching her
about Our Blessed Mother, and she sent me a gift!)
went to Mr. Scott's suite and for a while talked in the
living room. Then Sable stayed watching T.V. and I went
into his private quarters, another large room with two
beds. We started talking, and talked and talked. I did
99% of it, and what I told him was about my miraculous
spiritual transformation, how Christ entered into me and
what He had done for me and changed me, and also about
the recent experience of the three rings. Mr. Scott was
in awe. We were talking about four or five hours. When
my story ended there was something said about staying
overnight, but Mr. Scott added,
can't make love to you because I think you are a saint."
didn't say I was a saint."
but why is there a LIGHT ALL AROUND YOUR BODY?"
that should have been my exit line, and "hope to
see you when you return in two weeks" (which he said
he had to). HOWEVER, I was totally under the assumption
that Mr. Scott and I had to be together and maybe get
married, so, I insisted that we have sex. That was a big
mistake, spiritually, and would be one of the reasons
I would suffer so terribly later on. He didn't really
want to have sex, but gave in. In fact, he did say something
funny, "I was planning to come here to give you a
big bang, and then you told me all this, and now I'm afraid."
we made love we went to sleep - he in his bed, and me
in the other. After a short time of rest I heard my inner
voice saying to me,
time to leave," but I couldn't get up. My infatuation
with Mr. Scott, plus my grogginess in the days when I
needed an abnormal amount of sleep, riveted me to the
spot. A few minutes after I heard that call I heard the
front door open and close. Sable apparently waited for
me, went to sleep, woke up and was leaving. She was HELPING
soon as Sable left I felt something leave me. It was A
NORMAL WOMAN'S STRENGTH. A woman who knew she was a woman
and had certain prerogatives such as, for instance, being
treated decently and respectfully by a man, being helped
and supported by a man if necessary, etc. While she was
there this strength of hers, which I for some reason did
not have, was extended into me, and when she left, I was
she was gone I felt totally helpless and vulnerable. It
is the Light and that alone which makes me strong. Strip
me of that, and it is curtains for me. You might be asking,
well, why didn't the Light help me? Because I had stepped
out of the boundaries of my office as an instrument. I
was now a woman, with a man, and I had just committed
adultery. I was alone. The Light wanted me to learn a
lesson. The Light still WARNED me to try to spare me some
of the pain, but I wasn't wise enough to listen. I'd learn
we got up, got dressed and ready for breakfast, I was
FRIGHTENED. I KNEW I was in for it, but hoping against
hope that all would go right. Mr. Scott asked me what
kind of a GIFT I would like. I said I wanted an engagement
ring signifying to me that if he got divorced from his
wife, he would marry me. He looked puzzled, amazed, and
not?" Then he added, "What kind of an animal
do you like?"
said, hoping he wouldn't give me an animal,
took him aback, too.
we went to meet his partner, a man all us girls hated,
and with good reason. He would now decimate me.
we were eating the partner asked me what I had lived,
and I gave a list, which included Newark. He smirked with
disdain and commented,
felt like an outcast, totally out of my league, straining
to be one of their social class. It is appropriate that
I was wearing my Lady of Mount Caramel, brown cape and
a BLACK dress. It was my funeral.
never saw Mr. Scott again. He said he was coming back
in two weeks, but if he came, did not call me. In the
meantime, I blew all my money in getting a new wardrobe
to be worthy of him. I called him several times and he
refused to speak to me. A fatal depression took over my
mind, the lowliness of which was equal to the height of
my former elation. This depression lasted for WEEKS and
Joi saw it. I was able to function and perform and do
all else, but without supernatural help I don't know what
would have happened. God's grace kept me from collapsing.
Of course, he gave me nothing, no gift, no call or letter
, ever again, except this, from his secretary. I still
have the letter.
I returned to New York I decided to give him one more
chance. That's the kind of optimist that God has made
me. I wrote him a poignant letter, asking him to still
be friends with me and help me if he would. It was a beggar
asking for alms, in the name of God. This is the answer
I got, postage due:
please find the envelope you recently sent to Mr. Scott.
Scott has semi-retired and is presently in Europe on an
extended trip and not expecting to return until March
or April and possibly even later.
I am handling his affairs and am unable to help you would
you like the material you sent returned to you
X X Personal Secretary of Mr. Scott
I knew the secretary from way back when we were having
the original fling. It must have given her great pleasure
to execute that letter, presumably under orders from Mr.
Scott. She was a young pretty girl who was his secretary
years before I met him - a real fixture.
added insult to injury is that not only did she return
my letter, but it was postage due. I even had to pay for
this insult from the millionaire!
the spectacle of watching myself totally rejected by Mr.
Scott, Christ was speaking to me. He said,
AM YOUR MAN. YOU NEED NO MAN BUT ME. HE HAS ALL THE THINGS
OF THE WORLD, BUT I AND THE CREATOR, AND I LOVE YOU. SEE
HOW MORTALS ARE? DO YOU WANT THEIR LOVE AFTER THIS? I
WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR HURT YOU. CLING TO ME, NOT HIM.
REMEMBER THE RINGS I GAVE YOU? SEE, I DID NOT REFUSE YOU,
BUT MR. SCOTT DID. YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE BUT ME,
I REALLY LOVE YOU!
the purging I got through Mr. Scott was an added break
with the world and with men. Why couldn't he just lift
one little pinky to help me? Even a consolation prize?
Because god didn't want him to. God told me to contact
him, knowing, by the force of my own personality, weakness,
his desires, the turn of events, etc., exactly what had
to happen and be REMOVED from my thinking. He had to hurt
me, and badly as a great lesson, grace from God. God wanted
me for HIMSELF. That's why I was always ostracized everywhere
and by everyone rejected and hurt, because the more this
happened the closer I came to God. God was taking me into
the desert of solitude, away from people - ALL people
- where He could have me alone in CONTEMPLATION.
that what happened?
CROWNING WITH THE THORNS
this pain had to have a fitting climax, and it did. the
hate from Joey & Co. had been building up for three
months now. They longed to manifest it, and I longed to
receive God's love. Both could happen at the same time.
order to tell you the complete story I have to explain
a bit about Derrick Daniels, the President of Playboy
Enterprises. Derrick Daniels was such a big deal that
even Leek Doball could have had cause to fear him, he
could fire anybody. And he did, shortly before we arrived,
getting rid of forty employees in a purge. I met him and
liked him, and one day, when he came in to see the show
with his wife, I went over to sit with them and talk for
a little while. This made Ken and Joey & Co. nervous,
because he was too important for me to be friends with
and influence. They must have said things to him about
me, because after that he avoided me. In the scene I will
describe, Derrick Daniels takes on the symbolism of a
Pontius Pilate, one who knows Christ is innocent and being
persecuted by His own, and is able to stop it, but wont.
And why not? Because he is a consummate politician, he
wants votes, not truth. While I was talking to Derrick
Daniels I know he sensed something different about me,
which made him wonder, but he did not understand it -
which is like saying, "What is truth?" when
you are faced with it and going back to the chicken entrails.
before this, our last night, I was praying and was influenced
by God to pray for the "crowning with thorns,"
which I did,
let me know how you felt when you were crowned with the
told me that the last night was always "comedy night"
where anything goes. I wanted no part of it, not because
I don't have a sense of humor, but because I don't like
THEIR kind of humor. They were all making plans which
I presumed I was no part of. Even my best friend Joi was
part of the plan concerning me, unknown to myself, and
in the following scene she will take on the person of
St. Peter when he betrayed Our Lord.
I came to the dressing room that last night I noticed
in the kitchen several large cartons with pies.
boy," I thought. "How hungry I am, and how I'd
love to have some pie. But they might not invite me to
did I know that any of the male waiters hated me, but
apparently they did. They will be, in this scene, the
soldiers who put the Crown of Thorns on Jesus and mocked
in the audience the place was packed. I had friends out
there, too. In particular, Vicki Witt, the August 1978
Playboy centerfold, who had become my good friend. She
was sitting with her fiancee. They represented spectators
of love, possibly saints. But those who really loved me
that night were few in number - just a handful, the rest
were either haters or the indifferent.
I came out they gave me a very insulting introduction,
now, ladies and gentlemen, the lady with the largest breast
in the world."
announcer was the gay lead male dancer who, together with
his boyfriend, went around ripping up my publicity that
I had sitting around the lounge in stacks. No doubt he
was jealous of my breasts and wished he could have them.
came out and now, while my music was playing, was also
the sound of a FLUSHING TOILET, over and over again. It
was so embarrassing that the audience honestly did not
laugh much. There were a few laughs, but people sensed
there was something sinister about this whole thing.
soon there was raucous laughter, for some unknown reason.
I turned around, and there was my best friend Joi behind
me, mocking my movements. Oh, how embarrassing, and she
looked ridiculous. I felt sorry for her, but for the moment
she felt she was in the spotlight - the spotlight of the
star. That was her weakness that they got her on - wanting
to be a star. It hurt most of all because she was my closest
friend, had stuck with me through thick and thin for three
months, and now, this. She was just weak.
whole show was totally ruined and I got off, highly embarrassed,
to very weak applause for the first time since I had been
there, but the worst was yet to come. It was when we took
our bows. I was the last to bow, and I came out in a gorgeous
white bridal-type negligee, flowing and lacy, with the
top cut out so my breasts are exposed. After my deep bow,
for the last time at the Playboy Club, there comes a waiter
out of nowhere and bang, right in my face I am hit with
a pie. Now if any of you wonder how this could be so terrible,
just believe me, it is really humiliating. Then, bang,
another waiter comes flying at me, this time hitting me
in my breasts. I can't recall if it was two pies or more,
but I was covered with that cream all over, my wig and
face, my breasts, and my white gown. It felt ludicrous,
and one of the bunnies, who I thought was my friend, said,
took my picture. I felt shaky inside, as I walked right
past Derrick Daniels to my dressing room, not a word of
consolation from him.
was a strange feeling in the air now. Everyone sensed
it. Joi came back crying and apologizing, knowing she
had done wrong, but saying she was duped into believing
it was alright. I forgave her. My friend Sable came back
to console me - she represented Our Blessed Mother, in
view of her acceptance of Mary later on. Vicki Witt came
to offer condolences. The three of them just stood there,
while I tried to get the gook off. Joey Gordon was pacing
around, real nervous, asking if I needed a towel or any
help. She must have felt really guilty. I was calm but
felt STRANGE inside because it wasn't only an external
experience, but something happened inside of me. That
was the grace that everyone felt. I KNEW now, in a way
I had not known before, although not in that intensity,
what it felt like when Our Lord was crowned with thorns.
It is hard to explain now. It is like you come with only
love in your heart, and they all make a total mockery
of you, and you feel like crying. I felt like crying not
only then, but the rest of that night.
packed up and went back to my room, and just rested with
that eerie feeling over me. Joi came over and told me
they were now having their cast party. It would be a nice
gesture if I could come. I told her I felt too sad, but
she should go if she wanted to.
did, and had a very strange evening. The well known comedian,
Pat Henry, was there to liven up things. We had met him
before hanging out with the foul-mannered boys and he
took a great liking to me. He kept saying over and over
IS THE STAR (me)?"
no one could find me he called Joi up to the stage, knowing
she was my best friend, and sang a special song to her.
said that she felt like she was ME that night, and they
were giving her the respect and recognition that they
should have given me all those three months, but didn't.
It was a strange ending for a strange engagement.
that was the Playboy Club in 1978.